What It's Like to Travel with Four Kids

The short answer: It is amazing. In every possible way one can be amazed. By joy, by discovery, by time spent together; by sunsets and nature and adventure. And also by whining and chaos and uber-closeness and vomit. Really, truly, amazing.

Last year we embarked on a new life journey that we are still exploring and figuring out and touching tenderly like when you have a sore spot in your mouth you keep poking with your tongue. Part of that journey is a family mission to spend the night in all 50 states. These are our own arbitrary rules, but all 6 of us have to spend the night and do something iconic for the state to count. So, my layover in Minneapolis does not count as having been to Minnesota. That time I drove a snowmobile on a frozen river in Alaska counts for me, but not the whole family. When the whole family camped in one 4-man tent in Yellowstone and managed to suffocate a small rodent under our tent at night, that felt like we pretty much covered Wyoming. You get the idea.

In the last little-more-than-a-year (we started in February, 2015), we've been to 35 states including Georgia. And it really has been amazing. I get a lot of questions about how we "do that with four kids," but honestly, I do everything with four kids so you just kind of get used to it.

I know what people mean, though. They want to know what it's like to schlep through the airport or ride in the car for hours every day or to be in a new hotel every night. They want to know how we keep that many personalities happy and relaxed on vacation (we don't, so don't expect that miracle piece of information). They want to know if it's something they might be able to do (or want to do) with their own kids. So, here's what it's been like so far. I'll let you know what it's like again after we get those last 15.

Really Inconvenient
Everything about having children is crazily inconvenient. It takes for-freaking-ever to get in and out of cars. And in and out of hotels. And in and out of restaurants. If we fly, we travel with car seats that we take through security and onto the airplane. People sometimes groan out loud when they see us coming. Strangers will comment on our children--sometimes with "you're doing such a good job with them" (usually from old people) and sometimes "are they ALL yours?" (usually from anyone else).

Kids get hungry and tired and irrational and don't always get the significance of what they're doing.

This is the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia. See how thrilled the kid on the left is?

Where the Wright Brothers Invented Flight. Nailed the family photo. 

It is totally inconvenient to schedule and go and shake up anything about the systems in place to function that we have at home. We go anyway. With children who are at times irritable and ungrateful and grumpy--because we are a family team and life wasn't going to be much more convenient at home anyway.

Unpredictable
Travel is kind of unpredictable no matter who you take with you. Hotels are not always as great as they seemed online. The new town you're in may not have anything your kids like to eat. We never know when someone might melt down, need to go potty, decide they're having a terrible time, or just plain rebel against an activity.  There's more crying in the airport than when we go places without kids. There're a lot more bathroom stops. We also don't know where we're going a lot of the time and that makes the whole thing unpredictable.

Instead of being a negative, though, I think it's good for the kids. They see us have to make decisions based on new information and new problems. We've changed hotel rooms while driving down the freeway because we realized we could get further than we thought and we'd rather drive less tomorrow. We've had to use real, actual maps because cell service doesn't work everywhere in the nation (especially near national parks).

Actual map of Montana--see how there's no blue dot for my car?

Life is unpredictable and this is a pretty fun way to practice making decisions on the fly and negotiating with loved ones and communicating when we're tired and hungry and stressed. Jay and I get frustrated, but we're stuck in the car or the hotel and the kids get to see us work it out without ruining the day.

Gross
Children are disgusting. For that reason I travel with an elephant's worth of Wet Ones and hand sanitizer. This is so ingrained in my daughter that she pulled hand sanitizer out of her purse at church today when they got a snack. We've had vomit in the car more than once (different kids, different trips) and diarrhea in the car once. That was not good.  We have had children with enough sand to start building a hurricane barrier in their shorts and a flight to catch in an hour (poor parent decision making there--and also why I wound up in an outdoor shower with a Russian man and a naked toddler). We have had loveys left in horrible places, rubbed all over hotel room floors, and then kissed profusely when they were found. Seriously. Super gross.

Aah-Aah the Monkey was found in the parking lot of The Big Texan Steak House (home of the 72oz steak) underneath two guys smoking in the parking lot in Amarillo, Texas. At least as gross as it sounds.

Embarrassing/Conspicuous
We do not enter any location unnoticed. We take up the entire escalator at the airport. And the entire elevator in hotels. We are not quiet. We are not stealthy. We were asked to leave the tour at Independence Hall, laughed at (good-naturedly) by retirees in line at the National History Museum in D.C., and directly addressed by TSA agents in Atlanta, Seattle, and LA. So many people comment on our four kids (it's not like it's 40, people) that I don't even notice it most of the time anymore. A Japanese man and I had a conversation in broken English outside Yellowstone Lodge about how I did, in fact, give birth to them myself. Mostly I find this hilarious, but it certainly takes more bravado than I expected.

What we take on an airplane. Not subtle.

Sometimes it's our own fault. It was really funny to have an Elvis wedding (actually a vow renewal--we have been married for quite a while) in Vegas. I did not, however, anticipate how much courage it took to walk through the lobby of Paris Las Vegas wearing my veil and followed by the children. I was told congratulations, so that was nice. But definitely not low key.

Headed to our Vegas wedding in a rented KIA minivan. It smelled better than our own minivan, so that was luxurious. 

Terrifying
Sometimes, where we go is just plain terrifying. There's a fence at the Grand Canyon, but it's made out of chain link like the one we had that couldn't keep our dog in when I was growing up. And there are gaps. Giant, child-sized gaps. The Tidal Basin in DC has no rail or fence and it was really crowded with wall to wall people down to the very edge. Crater Lake had a thin guide wire strung between two trees that was the difference between standing on actual rock and standing on snow cornices. The ranger there said, "Be careful here because it slopes downward before the rope. If you start sliding, you will die."

View from Hoover Dam. See how we did NOT get the kids in this shot?

New Orleans has lovely trolleys, but they are located in the middle of the street so there's about a 5 foot gap between child-killing traffic and child-killing trolleys. We've driven on roads that had us white knuckling the steering wheel and drugging the children with iPads to ensure silence. Hoover Dam...yeah, both sides of that were horrifying. So, it's frightening. And I kind of like that.

Walkways with absolutely no rails over the geothermal features in Yellowstone. Some also have water in them, not just earth fire.

Educational
Sure it is educational in the actual history way. We've learned a crazy amount about Lewis and Clark and the Civil Rights Movement and the American Revolution.  We've learned about Westward Expansion and Pilgrims and the Civil War. But we've also learned how other people live and how big our country is and how much of it still doesn't have people in it. And yet, at the same time, how many other people there are living lives parallel to our own thousands of miles away.

Fort Sumter, where the Civil War began. Our kids are wearing gloves (that they would lose five minutes later) because it was the one day in Charleston that it got cold. Also, can you see the 4th kid? Another perfect pic. 

We learn about each other and what we find interesting. We learn our children's personalities in new and unusual circumstances. We learn how to communicate with each other better because there's no where to escape and the children can always hear us. We learn how to entertain ourselves for hours on end of driving and staring out of the window. We learn...and for my teacher soul that is so very satisfying.

Very, Very Precious
For all the embarrassment and inconvenience and uncertainty and vomit, I am so very glad we are on this silly mission. It is so much fun. Life itself is one very big adventure filled with all of these qualities--what an amazing way to get to teach our kids how to roll with it. What an amazing series of moments to share. This past week we took another rented KIA minivan 3 miles down a dirt road off a crazy curvy highway in California to find a stand of redwood trees. We were the only people there when we arrived--it was about 5pm and getting dark and misty. The sunlight filtered through the giant trees and the rain chilled us a little and the only sounds were our kids (of course) and the nearby river. We found a spot where giant logs lay in a semi-circle underneath towering trees and I could not help but think that it looked like the kind of church that God himself had made. So we made our own family circle and prayed in that sacred place...thanking God for the sky and the trees and the river and the rain and the chance to see them all together.

Boys and a giant tree. KIA minivans can go anywhere.

This is why now, with my jet-lagged children irritable and grumpy and picking at each other after the let-down of home again and back to routine, I'm already planning the next trip.  No matter what happens on our trips, what lives up to our dreams and what doesn't, it was always absolutely worth it because we are on the adventure together. I can't wait to see what the next one brings.

Stuff I Didn't Instagram in 2015

My blog and I have been in a fight. We haven't been on speaking terms and it's a little bit hard to explain why. The easiest reason is that I just haven't felt like talking, but that's not really an answer. A better explanation would be to say that I have been oddly melancholy. Not sad or broken or in pain, but blah. And blah does not want to write. I miss her (my blog), though. We think about things together and she helps me organize my thoughts. She also becomes a set of talking points with my actual friends in the actual world in between yelling at children and folding laundry.

So I decided to mend the fences and return to this old friend by writing about some of the things I didn't bother to talk about while they were actually happening. Here are 5 things I didn't share on social media in 2015:

Travel Fails
As part of our desire to live "more closely" we made a pact to visit all 50 states as a family over the next 2-3 years. We wanted to show our children adventure, the beauty of our country, and that Jay and I are not always completely in control of what happens in life. We have been to 31 states so far and it looked like this:

Beach in Los Angeles

And this:

My 7-year-old Contemplating the Grand Canyon

And this:

Grand Prismatic Spring in Yellowstone National Park

Clearly these would be the kind of pictures that I DID share on Instagram. But right after that shot at the beach we got on a plane for Atlanta. Which meant I had to wash off sandy children. Which meant that there was a moment when I shared an outdoor public beach shower with a naked three-year-old and a Russian man. And then I put wet, sandy clothes into a plastic bag to carry onto an airplane. Well played, Sally.

That day at the Grand Canyon was pretty amazing. I saw it for the first time with my babies and it was beautiful. But that picture was taken in the brief few moments that weren't pouring rain or covered in fog. Fog settled so deep into the canyon that the canyon itself ceased to exist. That fog stayed there for the rest of our time we had inside the park. I still had a good time, but it wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

The last picture is of Yellowstone and I would go back there in a heartbeat. It is as amazing as you've ever heard. It is also where one of my children caught an unfortunate stomach bug from one of the other children. The end result was that I spent a good three quarters of an hour cleaning both vomit and diarrhea out of a car seat in the parking lot of some fascinating geothermal features. The upside was that the horrible sulphur smell made the horrible car smell a lot less noticeable.

There are so many more trip stories that didn't go as we planned; kid meltdown in the airport security line of the world's busiest airport...getting kicked out of Independence Hall in Philadelphia... our first attempt to see Mount Rushmore that resulted in me crying in the car in the dark. I didn't share any of these events because it sounded totally whiny in my head--we have been on several amazing trips this year and I certainly wouldn't trade them.

But I realized, especially through the holiday season when I kept seeing people I don't see very often, that other people seemed to think our trips were easy. They were not. They take effort and lifestyle sacrifice and planning (but not too much planning) and a healthy dose of reality at every turn. When we hadn't even made it to Birmingham, Alabama (about 2 1/2 hours from Atlanta) before a kid lost a pair of underwear in a Starbucks bathroom on our drive to Wyoming, I had some serious doubts.

I wish I had written more about the difficult parts because I'd love for more people to believe that they can take their kids anywhere. There may be poop to clean up, but that's true at home, too.

Homeschooling is Hard
I fully admit that until three or four years ago I thought that anyone who chose an option other than public school was a weirdo. As with all generalized judgments, I began to change my mind when I actually met some people who were making different choices and it broadened my mind. But, seriously, I never EVER thought I'd go down this road for my kids. It has allowed freedom for our family to travel more, certainly a degree of close that we didn't have before, and I have been amazed at the conversations I get to have with my tween kid. BUT.

It's hard.

What I shared about homeschooling did not reveal that.

Adorable 5-year-old Working on that Tricky S

Amazingly Fun/Cold Field Trip to the Etowah Indian Mounds

I shared an occasional pic of domestic adorableness with kids crowded around colorful school work. Or shots of field trip days while other, sadder, children were cooped up in cement block walls. I did not share moments like today, when I yelled so loudly that I kind-of hurt my voice. Also, I put a kid on the back porch to calm down and HE screamed so loudly that our elderly next door neighbor was on my back porch checking him for injuries when I came to check on him. So I expect DFACS any day now.

I don't even stay home with them every day. The kids attend a nontraditional private school two days a week and then complete their work with me. I don't make up the curriculum, they're not home all the time, and I'm still a horribly yell-y person. I'm confessing this because every mom I've ever told that I homeschool has said, "oh, I couldn't do that. I don't have the patience."  Yeah, well, me neither. But here we are.

My House is Broken (with rats)
Here's what I shared about my house this year:

This Super-Awesome Wallpaper. And I own a Record Player

More Super-Awesome Wallpaper with Snowflakes and a Mirror I Love

What I did not detail was that everything is broken. We have replaced the electricity. And the roof STILL has leaks..the new leak is THROUGH the stove's exhaust fan so now I'm afraid to use that. We replaced a toilet, but it still works funny. Also, the pipes leak..it's too long of a story to explain why. The yard is mostly moss. We hired a guy to replace the counter top that was broken in the kitchen and he disappeared before the job was done. We hadn't paid him or anything, so I have no idea where he went, but it's been months and months and I still haven't dealt with the functioning chaos that is the stupid freaking kitchen.

I didn't mention any of this because it is warm and safe and the roof mostly works. I am very lucky to have these things. But, again, I feel like I gave off the impression that downsizing into an old house has been emotionally freeing when the reality is that I have felt like I had a splinter under my fingernail for a year. It's not debilitating, but it is a constant irritant.

Oh, and there were rats. RATS, I tell you.

I Gained 30 Pounds
I gained 30 pounds and I only posted pictures of myself that didn't make that obvious. I am not going to change that pattern now, but I will admit to it. I have, in the past, shared marathon and half-marathon and triathlon successes, but I didn't at all mention that moving and suddenly having my school-aged children home with me really screwed up my workout plan. I apparently also eat when I am stressed, nervous, or worried and that has been all of 2015.

The friends I have mentioned this to have seemed surprised I've gained that much weight; that either means they're lying so as not to offend my jiggly-stomached self or that I am a terrible dresser who really needs to wear better clothing. Both are strong possibilities.

Anything Actually Sad
O.k., I realize that social media is not exactly the place to deal with deep dark personal problems, but it's why we all feel totally inferior when we see other people's lives through the lenses of Facebook/Instagram/Twitter/Snapchat/FuSizzle. (I made that last one up, but I think it could catch on.) Actual sad things deserve face-to-face conversation and prayer and maybe a casserole.

A man I went to college with committed suicide and for some reason he contacted me a few hours before he did so. Another friend has a child fighting to regain a childhood while dealing with cancer. None of my problems or musings for the last six months have been because of my own deep struggles so I just didn't mention any of my stresses or annoyances. How can I chat away about parenting irritations or travel snafus or my damn kitchen when so many people are in pain so thick they can't breathe? So I didn't say anything.


I don't know what any of this means for my 2016 blog. I miss it and I miss connecting with friends I see out in the world who say "I feel the same way!" and then suddenly this fake community is tangible and real. So for now I'm committing to posting throughout the year and I'll see what that means as I go. I'm also really sorry if my scatter-shot sharing of my life made any of you feel jealous or inferior or randomly annoyed. You're welcome to come over and hang out in my little house and we can chat about life face-to-face and remind each other that our lives are all more alike than not. (I promise we got rid of the rats.)

50 States Trip #2: Mid-Atlantic States

Wanna make your minivan smell unique? Drive around with your family of 6 for a week or so visiting whichever states are within your reach in the time allotted. Our family has achieved this goal and then some. The minivan will never be the same.

We recently knocked off 5 more states and Washington, D.C. from our 50 states goal. We hit Virginia, Maryland, Delaware, Pennsylvania, and West Virginia. We also spent another night in North Carolina for the sake of logistics.

Our goal is to see everything, everywhere so that we never have to return to that place again.

No, wait. That's not our goal at all.

Our actual goal is to see a little bit of everything and encourage our kids to see traveling as one big adventure.

And I think we're doing o.k. on that one.

In North Carolina, we visited the Duke University campus and relived a bit of our younger days (before children) when Jay and I lived in Durham. It happened to be the day that Duke was playing for the NCAAchampionship so everyone we saw was wearing blue and staring at us because we weren't. And also because we have a lot of loud children.

Boys and Duke Chapel

We went to Colonial Williamsburg and Jamestown Settlement in Virginia (not on the same day) and I have to say that Jamestown won hands down for me. Not only do they have a living history museum (replica ships that brought over the first permanent settlers from England, a Powhatan village, and a recreated fort), but their indoor museum was also really well done.

Learning from an original Jamestown settler (hee-hee, 'cause he's really old)

Harry, our four-year-old, has been telling every person who asks about our trip that "all the Native Amewicans died and that made me cwy." He gleaned this information from an interactive map that showed the decrease in Powhatan settlements as the English settlements increased. You may not see that as a positive, but I am a history dork and I do. And kids could be outside and they had a musket demonstration that was a really big hit with our bloodthirsty crowd.

 

Jamestown Musket Demonstration

Williamsburg would probably be more fun if you stayed longer and participated in all of the historical reenactment activities (they have a trial and a mob that starts the revolution, for instance), but with kids ranging in age from 2 to 10 it was not that great for us. It was, however, predominantly outside and involved running, which we always appreciate.

 

The Governor's Palace in Colonial Williamsburg, VA

In Maryland we hung out in the Inner Harbor in Baltimore, ate some delicious crab cakes at Mo's, and toured Fort McHenry. McHenry's claim to fame is that it was the site of the flag that Francis Scott Key was looking for when he penned the eventual national anthem. Although we were all taught Betsy Ross's name for sewing the first American flag during the American Revolution, it was really the War of 1812 and Key's era that saw the flag as we think of it as a symbol of the United States.

 

Baltimore Lighthouse at Inner Harbor

The short film at the fort was well done and made me feel pretty darn patriotic. Although to be honest, it is not all that difficult to make me feel patriotic. I learned that Key's grandson was actually held as a prisoner in Fort McHenry during the Civil War for criticizing Lincoln's use of force in eradicating slavery from the southern states. And, of course, I was reminded yet again that I'm glad I do not live 200 years ago. Or 100. Or even 50. It was fairly cold and miserable and windy, but all the people we encountered in Maryland were incredibly nice. And if I, a native Southerner, noticed polite behavior toward others, it was above average at the least.

 

Cannons at the ready at Fort McHenry

We kept our tour of Pennsylvania to Philadelphia just so that we could see the former capital of the United States and let our kids see that broken bell. The cold and rain (and occasional sleet) followed us into Philly so our cheesesteaks wound up being needed for warmth and not just delicious sustenance. The last time we were in the City of Brotherly Love it was 95 degrees and I had to take a baby to the emergency room, so this was still better than that.

 

The Liberty Bell, up close and personal

We toured Independence Hall and saw original copies of the Declaration of Independence, the Articles of Confederation, and the U.S. Constitution. We were also unfortunately asked to leave by the grumpiest park ranger I have ever met. He was arrogant and rude and proudly told our group that he had his doctorate, which we later learned was in Sociology, not History. Our 2-year-old was rather loudly talking during the presentation and unfortunately there is no other way but the guided tour to see Independence Hall. It was embarrassing and not cool. Oh, well. I am perfectly capable of explaining what happened in those rooms to the kids and we watched National Treasure so we would feel happy about Philadelphia and Independence Hall again.

 

Independence Hall before we got kicked out

And then there was Delaware. When we got this idea to see all the states we joked about something that we could do in every one--take a picture of a mascot of some sort or drink a local beer in every state or something like that. We realized we just didn't know what to expect in each one so we haven't really been doing any of that. I do wish we had tried to take a picture of each state's welcome sign. Georgia's says "We're glad Georgia's On Your Mind," which references a great song, but is also weirdly obvious. Virginia's says "Open for Business" which feels vaguely desperate, as though you need to be reminded that it's still there. Maryland's has every color of their awesomely busy flag and an arched shape and so many words I'm not sure what it said.

But Delaware. Delaware's is plain blue with white letters and says "Welcome to Delaware." That's it. No motto or pithy saying. No colors or flag. It doesn't even say "The First State," even though Delaware was the first to ratify the Constitution. Delaware is not flashy. It is absolutely lovely in parts and incredibly industrial in parts and practical everywhere in between. When researching the state I kept running into the DuPont name--the famous chemical company started in Delaware as a black powder manufacturer when E.I. du Pont de Nemour immigrated to the U.S from France.

 

Water Power of the Brandywine River--used to make explosives by the DuPont Company

So we went to see the Hagley Museum--a former home and explosives plant for the DuPont company. It was industrialization (company village, large scale nuts and bolts and gears, industry titans) and peaceful countryside all at once. The plant was along a beautiful river with the family mansions high above overlooking the valley and out of site of the homes of their workers and their families. They have a small explosive demonstration down by the river and we got to explore outside some more. The museum staff were incredibly gracious and proud of their state and we really enjoyed visiting. We also went by the University of Delaware and Jay bought a Blue Hen Snuggie for his boss because one grown man giving another grown man a Snuggie is only made funnier by the Fightin' Blue Hen on it.

 

Small Boy Enjoys the Former Home and Gardens of Rich People

After Delaware we drove west to West Virginia with the plan of coming back through Washington, D.C. on the weekend when hotels are cheaper. This meant we drove across Maryland and into West Virginia. The drive itself was part of the activity. Flat lowlands give way to rolling hills covered in mist and mountains hidden in the clouds. When West Virginia separated from Virginia there was debate about how much of Virginia to cut off. Having driven through that area I can see why.

 

Where the Shenandoah River Meets the Potomac at Harper's Ferry, WV

The busy cities of eastern Virginia look nothing like the hills and valleys of the west. In this one shot above you are within minutes of Maryland and Virginia even though I'm standing in West Virginia. What West Virginia has to offer is a lot of natural beauty and some pretty fun outdoor activities that our youngest kids are just too young for. So we stuck to driving around and visiting Harper's Ferry, site of John Brown's ill-fated raid and so many changes-of-hand during the Civil War that the industry located there was just abandoned after the war due to damage.

Clearly we pushed the little guy hard--he woke up in time for fudge

While on this exploration from Maryland to West Virginia we stopped in Sharpsburg and saw the Antietam Battlefield, site of the bloodiest day in American history. My sons, excited to be out of the car, ran up to a photograph on display and cut in front of an older man wearing an Orioles cap. I pulled them back and told them to apologize and the gentleman said, "No, no, let them up front. We want little ones to be excited about learning their history." I could have hugged him and Maryland continued to impress me with the kindness of its citizens. Good job, Maryland.

 

Boy Inspects Civil War Cannon

Our last stop on this trip was to Washington, D.C. Quite unintentionally we managed to be in D.C. during peak cherry blossom bloom at the end of the Cherry Blossom Festival. Which means that we unintentionally saw a parade. And were unintentionally near a public suicide (although we were in a museum and the kids never knew about it). There were a lot of people, to say the least.

Cherry Blossoms and Washington Monument

Jay and I have been to D.C. several times as tourists so we stuck to the biggies for the kids this time. We saw the American History, Natural History, and Air and Space Museums (all part of the Smithsonian complex) and walked all over the Mall. We visited the Washington, Lincoln, and new(ish) Martin Luther King, Jr. memorials and walked around the Tidal Basin to see the cherry blossoms. Our weather was spectacular and our tired kids were troopers throughout the whole thing.

Our View of Lincoln

Our final day we spent driving back to Atlanta from Washington, D.C. I was worried about an entire day in the car, but we honestly had a pretty good time and the kids were so exhausted from all the D.C. walking that I think they were glad to be sitting down. Jay and I were, too, until we had to get up in Atlanta and nearly died. And, of course, we got to see the Peach Butt in Gaffney, South Carolina. House of Cards may have made it famous, but that thing's been mooning us for years. Here's to you, Peach Butt.

The Pride of Gaffney, a giant Peach Water Tower

We are now up to 11 states and D.C. crossed off our list and Jay is making hotel reservations for our next adventure as I type. Hooray for family adventure and happy travels to all.