Best Mom Tip #138: Buy some dark chocolate

I am incapable of giving up sweets. I can do it for a week or two and once I gave up chocolate for Lent, but that's about it. At the end of the abstinence period I go right back to searching for sugar in my cabinets.

I have tried not buying anything sweet at all so that I won't be able to eat anything bad for me. I just wait for the kids to go to bed before I make up reasons for Jay to need to go to the grocery store and say, "while you're there...buy a half gallon of ice cream and a big bag of M&Ms."

I will also make up sweet things from the dregs in my pantry. Milk and powdered sugar makes a pretty good frosting for Teddy Grahams. Once I just ate chocolate syrup by itself. It was really hard to lick the bottom of the glass. In addition, I have sprayed aerosol whipped cream directly into my mouth like I was a hungover frat guy. Unfortunately, I had to stop doing that when the kids got old enough to recognize the sound of the can.

I've tried buying my favorite sweet things (cookies, ice cream) and just eating reasonable portions. It seems that I do not have an off switch until I feel like I am going to throw up. I will buy a tube of pre-made cookie dough and eat the entire thing with a spoon, somehow convincing myself that they pasteurized it and I will, therefore, not be on the news for dying from salmonella contracted from eating a food that is clearly marked "do not eat dough raw."

I will buy a bag of M&Ms and pound them by the fistful while watching Sister Wives on TV until I notice that the bag is significantly lighter. For instance. (BTW, why did moving to Vegas solve their problem with the polygamy investigation. Is everything really legal in Vegas?)

So my solution is that every week I buy one Lindt 70% Cocoa candy bar. I eat one or two squares at night with my Coke Zero after the kids are in bed. Sometimes I eat one in the middle of the day when I cannot stand hearing someone else say, "mommy."

Sometimes I eat 4 of them and then buy more M&Ms and eat those, too, but that isn't all that often and seems to be tied to potty training.

I realize that I still have some sort of problem with dealing with stress that I am burying beneath a layer of flab and some really wrinkly stomach skin. But at least the flab isn't getting much larger. For now.

Best Mom Tip #127: Keep your eye on the ball

You know those big exercise balls that you can use for crunches and the like? Yeah, I lost control of one during a body sculpting class and it rolled across the entire studio and ran into a woman's head.

Fortunately, the entire room is surrounded by mirrors so I could see her expression as the giant silver orb rolled right up on top of her.

I have a love/hate relationship with this class to begin with. This is the same instructor who did not appreciate me pointing out that her missing cat and her coyote problem were probably related. I hurt for days every time I take this class. In the middle of it, I think things like "this is miserable and my stomach will still be wrinkly even if it is skinny. Why am I here?"

Here is what happened with the ball. We were all lying on our backs with our legs sticking straight up in the air holding the giant ball between our calves. We were supposed to lower our legs to the right and then to the left while keeping a tight hold on the ball. It is supposed to be a really good lower ab exercise and force you to use controlled movements.

The sad truth is that my lower abs have the same strength as the band of 10-year-old underwear with broken elastic and there is no way I can lower my legs to the sides of my body with any sort of control. My thighs were also shaking with the effort of keeping the ball between my legs. Thus the ball popped free and went on its own desperate attempt to find someone who might actually be able to complete the exercises without harming others.

I retrieved my ball and moved on to the next exercise which involved putting the knees of my fully extended legs on the ball, my hands on the floor, and pulling my legs up so that my behind became the highest point on my body.

At least I managed to end the class with some dignity.