Best Mom Tip #145: Spend a day with my son

I'm talking about my oldest son and you can't really spend a day with him unless I already know you and you are offering free baby sitting. But, trust me, he is hilarious.

Griffin is not quite three and I'll be amazed if he makes it to elementary school without breaking a bone. I've mentioned several times that he runs around a lot. My brother says that he just runs until he hits something and that seems to be a pretty good assessment.

I have entered rooms to find him on top of our pool table, hiding in the back of my closet, under the dining room table, under a pile of bedding creating a small giggling lump, and standing in his window sill hiding behind the blinds.

This week he used an entire roll of scotch tape to create "reins" for a pair of horses (2 bar stools) that he was using to pull his carriage (kitchen chair). He uses a set of plastic keys to "start" his rocking moose (exactly like a rocking horse, but 50 bucks cheaper). He pretends to put on his fire hat, goggles, jacket, and helmet every time we get into our mini-van/fire engine.

This is Griffin attempting to squeeze through the bars onto the White House lawn while encouraging his sister to do the same thing. He has very little respect for rules he does not understand. Which is most of them.

This is Griffin attempting to push over the command module from Apollo 11 at the National Air and Space Museum. He seems to think that he can do things like this.

Here's the funniest thing that he has said lately:

Griffin loudly passes gas.

Jay: Do you need to go potty, buddy?

Griffin: Nah, dat's just magic.

I've heard it called a lot of things, but a magical wind that comes from your behind is a first.

I love this kid. He yelled yee-haw when he saw videos of paratroopers invading on D-Day. He offers to fight bad guys he hears about from books/tv/adult conversations. He would love to be an astronaut/cowboy/fireman/football player. He also really loves to dance. I cannot wait to see what he becomes....unless he's in jail. That's always a possibility.

Best Mom Tip #143: Relive the moment

I have been out of town for a while and I was in a horrible vortex where the wi-fi was reeeaaallly slow and my phone's apps wouldn't work. At least there was a Starbucks outpost in the resort. I was surrounded by teenagers because I was chaperoning a trip for our church and they couldn't fix it, either, so I know it wasn't my fault.

Anyway, so instead of focusing on one moment, I thought I'd share a few of the single points in time of the last week that made me smile, laugh, and feel very grateful.

Talking Stuffed Animals:
When I was on my way home from the trip and I texted Jay that he needed to come pick me up, this was his reply:

"I know. Griffin said it was time to pick you up. His moose told him so." I don't know if I should be freaked out that the boy takes information from his rocking moose seriously, but at least it was accurate.

Wildlife Sightings:
Charlotte and I had this conversation:
Me: Look, a bunny is right over there!
Charlotte: It's just like my purple bunny! Except that it's not purple and it's real. And it's a different size. Oh, a BUNNY!

I love that the word bunny is all her stuffed animal and the real rabbit had in common, but for Charlotte it was a love connection.

A Grateful Nation:
At Harry's 1-year-old birthday party, my dad asked my brother-in-law what he was actually doing all day. Since he's in training to be a Green Beret, this is not as rude of a question as it might seem. He (my brother-in-law) said that he was mostly in classes all day at this point, but that it "would be nice to finally get back out to working." You know, where people shoot at him. And other mean stuff. That's what he'd like to get back to doing. I am so grateful that good men stand in the gap for the rest of us in horrible situations here and abroad. And that they are really great uncles when they're in my home.

Misinterpretations:
Charlotte: I know how to get to Aunt Hellen's house, Daddy.
Jay: Good, you can be my navigator.
Griffin: She is NOT an alligator! YOU'RE an alligator!

Way to defend your sister, Bud. Much as it frightens me, I have a feeling you might be one of those men in the gap when you get older.

One Small Step for a Man:
Harry took his first steps this afternoon. There were just a few of them, but they counted. What encouraged him to make that giant leap? Homemade ice cream on the 4th of July. How great is that?

I am lucky and so grateful. The rewind of this busy week has been fun to watch over and over again.

And how was my trip to the beach with no internet access? Pretty good. According to the Panama City Beach ABC affiliate, I participated in the world's largest single-site flash mob. Although, I highly doubt we set any kind of a record, it was great fun. Take a look at it below.

Best Mom Tip #135: Do the Potty Dance

I know nothing about potty training. I mean, I've read a lot about it and I've talked to everyone I know with kids, but I still feel like I know nothing. My daughter didn't like being wet and dirty and potty trained quickly. This week my son continued to play outside with both pee and poop in and on his underwear for God knows how long until I finally held him down to check his pants. That is a kind of gross that I do not understand.

So we have, for better or worse, been sitting at home for the last two days taking our almost-three-year-old boy to the potty every 15-30 minutes in an attempt to get down to just one kid in diapers. I'm hoping that with the baby graduating from formula to whole milk soon and only one box of diapers to buy we may be able to afford to buy meat again in time for the July 4th weekend. Unfortunately, this dream depends upon a toddler's cooperation and potty training is not exactly what you would call successful at this point.

Although we have had some correct placement of waste, we also have a kid who refuses to poop if he can't use his diaper. For days. He is displaying a level of determination that I think we could use to teach special forces operatives how to hold up under torture.

While I admire his strength of will, I find the entire thing messy, tedious, and a depressing waste of my master's degree.

Finally, after 15 times of peeing on himself in two days, something seems to have clicked. He has been right on target four times in a row now and I have done the Potty Dance for each success.

The Potty Dance is sung to the tune of "Shake Your Booty" and goes like this: "Dance, dance, dance! Dance dance dance! Potty Daa-aaance, whoo! Potty Daa-aaance!"

My cute boy, flush with success, spinning in his Mickey Mouse underwear, looked up at me and said, "Dat make me happy."

Me, too, buddy. Me, too.

Best Mom Tip #132: Be a superhero

Griffin has begun yelling "To da wescue! Me, Giffin!" and running off to save damsels in distress. His little face lights up with the absolute confidence that he is, in fact, capable of rescuing someone even though he cannot currently dress himself without help.

He pauses for effect, screws up his arms for maximum speed, and launches himself toward hero status.

I wanna be that cool. I don't know who or what I want to rescue. I don't know who or what I want to fight. I just know that I want that kind of purpose, that kind of righteous goal. I would LOVE to be a superhero.

I would wear a really bad-ass outfit that involves thigh-high boots and some kind of bustier. I am not well endowed so the bustier would need to be stuffed. Maybe with mini bags of M&Ms so it could double as a snack holder.

I would have rocker-chic cuffs and possibly a thigh holster or two. Think Lara Croft meets Wonder Woman with a touch of the comic Cathy (because of the M&Ms and my neuroses).

I'm not sure how I can translate this desire into stay-at-home momhood. I don't know that the other moms volunteering at the elementary school would appreciate a bustier. Maybe if I wore a tennis dress that could pass as a superhero costume they would just think I was really into tennis.

Maybe I could take kickboxing classes and pretend I'm training for villain killing. Maybe I can carry around extra bottles of milk and goldfish crackers in my thigh holsters. Is there any way to add an element of necessary danger and still be a responsible parent? I'm looking for ideas.

Best Mom Tip #122: You know what? Screw #121--keep your head down

After my post yesterday I had one of the most embarrassing trips out in public with my children ever. Then there was a family birthday dinner, a tornado, and overstimulated children to get to sleep so I didn't get to post again until today.

So picture me in the Barnes and Noble looking for a book for my husband's birthday. I knew they had the book in stock, I just couldn't see it on the shelf. (Side note: The book was listed under Business: Starting a Business, but was actually found under Entrepreneurship: Starting a Business. Isn't that a redundant category?)

I'm holding the baby on my left hip, my giant purse on my right shoulder, and 2-year-old Griffin's hand clutched tightly in my right hand. I'm wearing dirty, baggy jeans and a college sweatshirt that once belonged to my father and has a circular hole that I'm pretty sure is a cigarette burn.

This is when Griffin made a break for it and ran giggling hysterically through the giant bookshelves while I tried to catch him without running in a store. I finally grabbed him and refused to let go of his hand. He managed to talk me into letting go ("my stay wight heah, Mommy") and then he ran again. Little bugger. He even grinned as he ran away.

Again I chased him down and sort of grabbed him by the head as he ran by. Now, you need to know that when Griffin doesn't like something he just yells, "Ow, Ow Ow, dis huhts Me!" He has learned that yelling "this hurts me" gets a much faster response than "I don't want to do this!"

So he's yelling "Dis huhts me! Ow, dis huhts my head! Ow Ow Ow!" when I get down next to him and threaten him with certain pain if doesn't stop acting like this in public. That's when he added "I want my Mommy" to his litany of complaints.

The constant chants of "Ow, my head! Dis huhts me! I want my Mommy!" finally caught the attention of a pain-in-the-ass innocent bystander who felt the need to come over. An amazonian woman with a power yoga tank top and a nose ring blocked my path out of bookshelf hell and said, "Is. He.Ok."

It was not a question, but rather a condemnation. I rolled my eyes and said, "He's fine. He's just mad at life right now." She seemed confused by that response. Maybe she's mad at life, too. That would explain the nose ring.

I finally got out of the store only to find that Annoyingly Fit Girl parked next to me and had driven away before I got even one of my kids buckled.

I hate her. And everyone else.

Best Mom Tip #121: Look at the world around you

Last week while I was driving with my two year old we had the following conversation:

Griffin: My see cwouds. Yots uh cwouds. (I see clouds. Lots of clouds.)

Me: You see clouds? They're pretty aren't they?

Griffin: My wan' tuss dem. (I want to touch them).

Me: You can't touch them, they're too high.

Griffin: My can' weech. Weeeeeeeeeech. (I can't reach. Reeeeeeeaaaaaach.)

He tried very hard to reach his little hand out the rolled up car window to touch the clouds and I thought about how I NEVER try to touch clouds any more. I now know that it is impossible, of course, but why not try? At the very least I would get in a good stretch. At the very most, I might become inspired to metaphorically reach for the clouds and figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. That might be asking a bit much out of the clouds.

Since that little drive I've been trying to listen and look at the world around me more. The trees are still beautiful even without their leaves. The frogs that create a giant chorus in the marsh behind my house are comforting. The coming rain smells clean and fresh even while my knee aches because the barometer has dropped.

Granted, really looking at the world can backfire some. At a scenic overlook over the weekend I saw two men wearing work boots sharing an amorous embrace behind what they thought was a solid row of bushes. That was a bit more scenery than I was bargaining for.

However, even that sight reminded me that there is more to this life than I often see. Look around, people. It's an interesting world out there.