Best Mom Tip #159: Use A&D Original Ointment

I spend a lot of my time dealing with other people's behinds. I mean a LOT of time. Most moms do so because of the following reasons:

1. Children poop on themselves, at least for the first couple of years.

2. While potty training, they fail to wipe themselves well enough and get itchy behinds.

3. They somehow fall down and land with their butts on their feet while wearing shoes. That does seem like it would hurt, but how do they manage to do that? (And what do you do when they ask you to kiss it to make it better?)

In all of these situations, they look for Mommy. And, really, I don't want a bunch of other people dealing with those parts of my kids, so it's o.k. But it's also gross. I have a veritable encyclopedia of poop colors (and their causes) that I can never remove from my brain. I know how much of which foods to feed each kid to solve a variety of digestive issues. I don't want to know that about anyone else. I don't really want to know that information about myself.

And I have to deal with diaper rashes. I learned during my first round of kid diapering that you need to sooth the hurt and protect the skin with a moisture barrier to get rid of diaper rash. My kids had unfortunate reactions to antibiotics coupled with weak immunity to sinus infections so I got to try just about everything.

Eventually, I came to use A&D Original Ointment. The ointment creates a barrier to moisture and it is medicated to ease itchy/burning feelings. According to the tube, you can also use it on minor cuts and burns. I've never actually used it on anything else because once a tube of something is used on a behind in my house, it is forever used for behinds only. In fact, it now belongs exclusively to the behind that just used it.

Anyway, the A&D really works. Within a day the rash is better and it eases their little behinds while it works. Also, I kind of like the medicinal smell. Which is weird, but I do. I'd apologize for discussing such a gross subject, but really, what else do I have to talk about? I have a kid on an antibiotic right now and this is my life.

Maybe tomorrow I'll try to kill that damn woodpecker outside my bedroom window and I'll have something else to say.

Best Mom Tip #150: Resist the urge to put your kid on a leash

I will admit that I have recently been fantasizing about putting my son on a leash.

That boy runs off every chance he gets. He always comes back, but it's like watching a cartoon--he runs as fast as he can, then creates a giant arc to run back toward me. He also laughs the entire time.

He hides in clothes racks at stores. He giggles as he runs headlong in a direction opposite that which he is facing. He runs into things a lot. He refuses to look at me when I call his name--my eyes are somehow his disobedience kryptonite. "I could run forever without guilt if only I could avoid Mommy's look."

I thought about just attaching one of those extendable dog leashes to the belt loops on his pants. I would probably be investigated by protective services, but at least I could focus on choosing produce at the grocery store without having to constantly look up to see if he has climbed the meat counter yet.

It turns out, however, that there is actually a rather large market for this kind of product. Based on my non-scientific study (which consists mostly of looking at people at Target), the most popular kid leashes look like a monkey.  You can see one on Target's website here: Monkey Backpack Harness

Technically, this is called a backpack harness, but the monkey's tail is attached to a long handle that the parent holds. Looks a lot like a leash. The particular one I have seen is made by Eddie Bauer and comes with pockets for toys or snacks. Not that your kid could reach them because they are on his back.

The thing that gets me the most about this item is that it is a monkey. How does no one see the irony of putting a literal monkey on your child's back? Every time I see it I hear George Michael singing, "why don't you do it, why don't you set your monkey free."

I have this image of my kid in therapy one day saying, "well, I knew I wanted to become the next Unabomber the day my mom saddled me with a monkey leash filled with goldfish crackers and apple juice. I. Just. Hated. That. Monkey."

If I could get past my aversion to harnessing children I think that I could make some money here. When my oldest was about 2 we used to joke that we needed to "run" her so that she would sleep at night. Probably other parents feel this way. I could get 6 or 7 monkey leashes, hook up the neighborhood kids, and walk them to the park. Sure, they might run around each other's legs and get the lines tangled up, but they would get fresh air and I could make a living as a kid walker.

I am resisting the urge. I'm going to continue to try to get my errant kid to actually listen to me and stay somewhere in my general vicinity without physical restraint. I think.

I mean, the monkey is cute, right?

Best Mom Tip #145: Spend a day with my son

I'm talking about my oldest son and you can't really spend a day with him unless I already know you and you are offering free baby sitting. But, trust me, he is hilarious.

Griffin is not quite three and I'll be amazed if he makes it to elementary school without breaking a bone. I've mentioned several times that he runs around a lot. My brother says that he just runs until he hits something and that seems to be a pretty good assessment.

I have entered rooms to find him on top of our pool table, hiding in the back of my closet, under the dining room table, under a pile of bedding creating a small giggling lump, and standing in his window sill hiding behind the blinds.

This week he used an entire roll of scotch tape to create "reins" for a pair of horses (2 bar stools) that he was using to pull his carriage (kitchen chair). He uses a set of plastic keys to "start" his rocking moose (exactly like a rocking horse, but 50 bucks cheaper). He pretends to put on his fire hat, goggles, jacket, and helmet every time we get into our mini-van/fire engine.

This is Griffin attempting to squeeze through the bars onto the White House lawn while encouraging his sister to do the same thing. He has very little respect for rules he does not understand. Which is most of them.

This is Griffin attempting to push over the command module from Apollo 11 at the National Air and Space Museum. He seems to think that he can do things like this.

Here's the funniest thing that he has said lately:

Griffin loudly passes gas.

Jay: Do you need to go potty, buddy?

Griffin: Nah, dat's just magic.

I've heard it called a lot of things, but a magical wind that comes from your behind is a first.

I love this kid. He yelled yee-haw when he saw videos of paratroopers invading on D-Day. He offers to fight bad guys he hears about from books/tv/adult conversations. He would love to be an astronaut/cowboy/fireman/football player. He also really loves to dance. I cannot wait to see what he becomes....unless he's in jail. That's always a possibility.

Best Mom Tip #119: Moisturize your feet

Please enjoy an excerpt from my new romance novel, The Throbbing Heart....

I lay in the center of the big bed enjoying the cocoon-like feel of the plush bedding. Jay entered the room and began shedding his clothing as he walked to the bed. He slid under the covers, curving around my back and wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Mmmmmm, you're warm," he said.

Normally I was ice-cold so my warmth both pleased and surprised him.

"I know. That's what happens when I get to bed before you," I teased, knowing he could hear the smile in my voice.

"No, you're really warm. Even your feet." He slid his foot up my leg from my toes to my calf and back down again.

"Well," I smiled again,"I do have on socks."

"Huh." He sounded surprised. I wondered at that for a moment and then it hit me.

"Couldn't you tell I had on socks when you rubbed my feet?"

"Well, you have really scratchy feet. I mean..." He realized his mistake and began to backpedal. "My feet aren't really very sensitive and I was just confused for a minute..."

"You think my feet are so scratchy they feel like I'm wearing socks?!!! You sure blew your chance at getting lucky tonight on that one, buddy."

"Dammit."

Stay tuned for more exciting moments of domestic pleasure in future installments of The Throbbing Heart. Also, head to Bath and Body Works for some foot scrub.