Friday, November 27, 2009

Best Mom Tip #70: Don't wear holiday sweaters

Really, people. Holiday sweaters are ridiculous. I went shopping today and saw three grown women, all aged 35-45, wearing matching holiday sweater vests. One of them even had on reindeer antlers. I just don't get it. What do you look for when you find the perfect one? "Oooohhhhh, that one has FORTY-THREE different kinds of puffy ornaments! I must have it!"

One of my coworkers had a pretty rough parent conference back in October that went on forever. I asked her if there was another teacher in the room because I saw a woman wearing a Halloween sweater and teachers are notorious for wearing horrible themed clothing. Pencil-shaped button covers, Christmas ornament earrings, even Valentine's Day apparel all seem to be acceptable to my fellow educators. It turns out that the sweater belonged to the parent who is, in fact, a teacher at another school.

I cracked up. This woman really thought that the best way to get her points across about her child's education was to wear a shirt with 18 pumpkins on it. OF COURSE, people will take you seriously. You look like a small child's craft project gone awry. Or, at best, like your grandmother held you down and crocheted you.

Buy some real clothes. Give the sweaters away to people you want to make look frumpier.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Best Mom Tip #69: Be Thankful--but defend yourself at the same time

So it is Thanksgiving today and I am very grateful for my life. My kids are healthy and we have good jobs. We have a house that, although it has its quirks, is certainly big enough for our family. My brother-in-law won't be going to Iraq again this Winter. My brother and his wife are expecting a baby girl--their first child. Our parents are healthy. Our finances are mostly in order. As I woke up this happy morning I was thinking of all of these things.

And then Griffin cried loud enough and long enough that we let him into our bed. Then he climbed all over us like we were jungle gyms. He elbowed me in the chest multiple times and plopped down on my stomach.

The first words Jay said to me this morning were, "Dammit! I've been kicked in the nuts twice!"

So be thankful. But maybe wear a cup. Parenting is a contact sport.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Best Mom Tip #68: Become president

Bed time tonight:

My Daughter: "Mommy, will I go to my same school when I go to elementary school?"
Me: No.
MD: Why NOT!!!???
Me: We have to pay for your school now. Regular elementary school is paid for by the government.
MD: Mommy, have you been president yet?
Me: No.
MD: Has any girls been president?
Me: No.
MD: I would like to be president so a girl could be president.
Me: I would be very happy if you were the President.
MD: I would be very happy if YOU were President, Mommy.

So dream on. One of us needs to become the President. My daughter's looking for a girl in the job.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Best Mom Tip #67: Do jumping jacks

While getting ready for bath time my daughter realized that her bath water hadn't yet been run. She ran into the play room naked and said, "There's no water in my bath tub.....Jumping Jacks!"

Then she began to do 4-year-old naked jumping jacks. I think my day would be a lot more interesting if I finished every sentence with a physical command. Things like, "Get out your notebooks....push-ups!" Or, "study for your test...arm wrestle!" Maybe I'll try that tomorrow.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Best Mom Tip #66: Sing Along

While I was doing bedtime with Charlotte tonight she asked me to sing her a song. She was pretending to be a puppy so this request was made with a series of barks and woofs between each word. I sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and she barked along with me.

Ruff, ruff, woof, woof, ruff, ruff, woof
ruff, ruff, woof, woof, ruff, ruff, woof.

It was beautiful. I finished the song without laughing, but there was a smile in every word. If only you could bottle that...

Best Mom Tip #65: Take the kids to Grandmama's

I left my kids at my parents' house to spend the night tonight so that Jay and I could spend the afternoon reading at Starbucks and then go to a movie. I ate ice cream for a snack, Mexican food for dinner, and had a coke at the movie. Which was The Hangover. And was very funny.

But I felt guilty that I was happy about leaving them and then sad that I would miss them being asleep in my house. I am a mess of angst. Maybe the teenagers are rubbing off of me. At least I didn't get turned away from a Rated R movie like the kids in front of me. They grumbled, "I knew we should have gone to Regal!" Hee hee. Stupid kids.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Best Mom Tip #64: Live your dreams

O.k., I don't want to live out this particular dream. Last night I dreamed that Jay and I managed to forget our children in our car in the parking lot of a hotel. We were chatting away in the hotel room when I suddenly realized that we'd left the kids in the car.

I desperately ran to the parking lot where people were crowded around our car talking about how horrible it was that some woman had left her kids in the car. To make things worse, the kids had opened the car door and my son was eating some poisonous red berries that were on a nearby bush. About this time one of my students showed up and said, "if you can't handle these kids, you'll never be able to teach Freshmen."

I might be feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to forget my children in the car, but apparently I don't think I can manage all the pieces of my life. Stupid I need more fuel for my neuroses.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Best Mom Tip #63: Assume you have no idea what you're doing

This may not apply to you, but I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with my life. I stopped blogging because I went back to work this past August as a high school teacher. For a while it was great--I got to open a new school and deal with all the funny parts of being a teacher. For instance, last week kids were caught having oral sex in a stairwell. Why the stairwell? Why not a bathroom or empty classroom? And if you're going to go so far as to commit a misdemeanor, why not just skip school? There's a movie theater across the street. You could just go to the matinee.

Anyway, now I'm bored.

School is still fun, but not the challenge it used to be. And now I have these two kids who had swine flu and I had to go to work. Now that the thrill of working again is over, I'm dissatisfied again. Is there something wrong with me? Am I just never going to be satisfied? Am I stuck in some horrible transcendentalist phase of my life where I'll just stare at ponds and wonder about the meaning of life?

If that's the case, I might just start to hate myself. I'm really not much of a philosopher--I usually just start wondering why these people don't have jobs.

So, again, I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Maybe I could be an astronaut...