Best Mom Tip #169: Major in something useful

This tip is about 15 years too late for me.  I have a Bachelor's of Business Administration in Economics and a Master's of Education in Social Studies.  It seemed at the time as though these degrees would provide me with a stable income as a teacher and the ability to manage what money I actually earned.  And although those things were true at one point, they aren't worth jack at this moment in my life.

What should I have studied, you ask?  Any of the following fields would have been a better choice:

1. Any thing in the medical field.  I spend $20 every time I can't figure out if a kid has a cold or if death is imminent.  I spent $150 at the ER last Friday because I made the wrong call about Harry's breathing and the pediatrician sent me to the hospital.  A nursing degree may have helped me out there.  Even studying to be a witch doctor would give me some sort of confidence when I'm faced with decisions about what to feed a kid who's been projectile vomiting all over my robe for the last three hours.

2. Building contractor.  One of the things I really didn't consider about stay-at-home motherhood is the fact that I have to make decisions about the never-ending home improvement projects around our money pit of a house.  Our garage doors are bent?  The painters discovered that the chimney is 90% rotten and needs to be replaced?  Our water meter has stopped and we need to pay the difference for the last three months while we didn't notice?  Anyway, if I could use a circular saw with authority and assess water damages accurately, it would make my life a lot easier.

3.  Dietitian/exercise scientist.  I wouldn't make any money at these while staying at home, but I could at least be aware of how many calories are in prepackaged cookie dough rounds BEFORE I eat 12 of them.  And maybe I would have had some sort of defined muscles on the lower half of my body before I had kids.

I suppose that sometime in the future it may again matter that I can name all of the dynasties of China in chronological order.  Or that I can explain the positive and negative qualities of the Julio-Claudian rulers of Rome.  My knowledge of World War One has recently enabled me to predict events on Downton Abbey before they occur, but that's about as useful as it's gotten lately.

Charlotte did ask me if I knew who Harriet Tubman was this week and seemed awfully disappointed when I said yes, so I suppose that annoying my children will have to be my major benefit until I return to work.  Or until I just become a street lecturer sharing my knowledge on downtown corners in the hopes of making a buck.

Best Mom Tip #146: Don't take your kids to the doctor

O.k, I guess that you have to take your kids to the doctor. It's probably illegal or something to deny them medical care. I did read an article recently about a woman who remembers being told by her Christian Scientist parents that her chicken pox were only in her mind and that she should pray them away, so I guess that's an option.

Until I convert, however, I have to keep taking them (oftentimes en masse) to see various medical professionals. Today it was Baby Harry and the dermatologist. I don't know what it is about dermatological diseases, but they all sound awful.

I have a friend whose kid had a rash called giovanni crosti (or something that sounds like that-I never actually saw it written down). However you spell it, it sounds like something crusty you picked up on the subway while headed to Little Italy.

We took Harry to see if he had a thing called molluscum contagiosum. Which, because I am a nerd, made me think he had been cursed by a 3rd year from Hogwarts and that clams would soon be spreading across his body.

That's not what he has, actually, so if you were planning on coming to my house for dinner anytime soon there's no reason to throw up.

What I really don't like about taking kids to the doctor is that it involves a lot of intense sitting still. I say intense because I expend a lot of energy trying to keep everyone else still. I bribe them with snacks, electronic games, special toys-all in the hopes that no one will melt down until I understand what's wrong with the sick kid.

Today, as we were leaving, a mom told her very nice teenage boy to get the door for me. The problem was that I needed to unfold the double stroller and in those moments Griffin ran out the open door and down the hall of the office building. I had to put Harry down on the floor, put down my bag, the diaper bag, and the notes from the doctor, and chase him down.

I got back to the office door just as Harry was making his way out. That teenage kid politely held the door open the entire time. I'm sure our exit made all the other patients happy not to be me today.

There is nothing fun about taking kids to the doctor. Except maybe the princess stickers.

Best Mom Tip #144: Learn Vacation Accounting

We just got home from our family vacation. Here's a recap by the numbers:

3 cities visited with three kids in tow. Philly, D.C, and Baltimore were great fun. We got to show the kids some American history, teach them more about how to travel, and sort of feel like we got to go on a real vacation again.

MINUS (-)

500 dollars over budget because we forgot how expensive it is to feed 5 people when you eat out every meal. Literally every meal. We got pretty creative about ordering three meals to divide by 5 people, buying milk every chance we got so we always had some for Baby Harry, and giving the kids watered down juice to drink.

PLUS (+)

123 minutes spent in the Hahnemann hospital ER in Philadelphia. Harry had a mild case of croup, but the ER was our only real option at that point. That's why I found myself walking along the streets of Philly at 5:58 AM carrying my baby to a hospital I've never seen. I shared the dawn with hospital staff on their way to work and the battered and bruised homeless population heading out the doors to face another scorching day in the sun. It did not help that the preserved historic facade looked like a place where blood might rush out of the elevators and deceased patients may pull your life support plug.

PLUS (+)

8 modes of transportation. We saw two airports and three train stations. We drove in cabs, buses, and vans. We took the Metro in DC and walked miles and miles both there and in Philly. Of all the things we did, I think our kids liked the subway the best because it involved tickets, gates, and poles to hold on to. Finally, we drove on home in our faithful minivan where Griffin fell asleep in 2 minutes. Really. He was asleep before we got to the gate to pay for parking.

PLUS (+)

100 degree weather for 4 straight days. We are from Atlanta and we know what hot feels like. I am used to sweat that trickles down the backs of my knees because just standing outside makes you sweat. I know what it is like to get so hot that you get the chills. It was that hot and we were outside in it with our sweet babies. We made sure everyone drank lots and lots and we went back to the hotel after lunch every day to cool off. My cheesesteak would probably have tasted better if I hadn't been sweating while eating it.

PLUS (+)

261 times we had to pick Griffin up off of the ground because he fell/found something shiny/wanted to crawl into a hiding place/just likes falling. He careened around our hotel room until he ran into the wall and gave himself a black eye. He crawled on the floor of our hotel rooms, the buses, and every museum we entered. Why does he do that?

PLUS (+)

2 reminders of why we don't go on guided tours. We heard a "man" who may have been a really good robot tell us about the assassination of Abraham Lincoln in Ford's Theater (while Griffin crawled around on the floor, naturally) and suffered through a description of the room where the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution were signed (while Griffin stood over an air conditioning vent giggling and yelling, "dat's COLD!"). We did not realize that either of these events involved listening to a park ranger or we would not have entered. You don't willingly take the bull into the china shop.

PLUS (+)

4 good friends who hosted us in their home in Baltimore. Kim (one of my college roommates) and her family picked us up from the train station, let us play with their toys, fed us Maryland crab cakes, and took us to the airport the next day. We got to tour their lovely town, chat with Kim's hilarious 3-year-old daughter (she has an imaginary deceased husband named Coco), and play some kind of dancing game on the Wii that I loved.

EQUALS (=)

1 great vacation that let us prove to ourselves that one day we might actually be able to return to Europe and show our kids what we love about our favorite places in the world. What joy it will be to get to tell Griffin to get up off the floor of the Louvre, the Coliseum, the Tower of London...

Best Mom Tip #141: Get a lucky number

WARNING: This is not particularly funny. More schmaltzy, with a touch of melodrama.

Yesterday Jay and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary on the 13th of the month. Traditionally, 13 has had a somewhat sordid past. Hotels avoid a 13th floor and Friday the 13th can apparently cause the mass murders of stupid teenagers. I think this bad image has something to do with there having been 13 people at the Last Supper before Jesus was crucified, but there's probably some pagan ritual from the Celts in there as well. I don't really care, honestly.

What I do care about is that we've made it this far. I have lived a lot of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. My childhood, and Jay's as well, taught us early on that life can turn on a dime. Each milestone, each year that we make it without disaster amazes and humbles me.

Both sets of our parents got kicked in the teeth in their 30s. Jay's mom and dad went out on a date one Friday night in February and his father died in the movie theater. Suddenly. We'll never really know why. Jay was 8.

My father began his overt fight with mental illness while my mother was pregnant with my brother. No one knew what to say, his illness wasn't considered a medical disability at the time, and we spent a lot of time with Daddy in hospitals on floors we were too young to visit. My mother had to drag 4-year-old me screaming from the hospital that Daddy is NOT sick, I can see him right there.

But nothing has happened to us so far. We've had three children without incident. We're older than both my mom and dad were when my dad got sick. We are older than Jay's mom was when she became a widow. And yesterday, we were married longer than Jay's parents were before his father died.

Jay is still younger than his father was when he died and I am still younger than my mother was when she developed her own near-fatal illness, but we've passed a lot of the milestones I really didn't think I'd see without some sort of disaster. I wish I could say that I now live without the fear and I just enjoy every day as it comes, but I am not that peaceful.

I am so grateful for what I have and I am stunned that it has all gone so well so far, but I still get afraid of what is around the corner. I'm hopeful for our future, whatever that may hold. I am excited that I get to share my life with my best friend and I am glad I made such a good choice when I was still more kid than adult.

That other shoe could totally fall and beat me about the head and shoulders, but for right now, 13 feels lucky.

Best Mom Tip #123: Feel the magic

We went to Disney World last week and got home on Sunday. It was.....you know....fun.

In the plus column, the kids had a GREAT time. Charlotte rode a roller coaster for the first time, Griffin got to meet Woody and Buzz Lightyear, and Harry couldn't pick what to look at first on "It's a Small World." The parade was great, we got our faces painted, and we ate a lot of ice cream.

In the minus column, there were a LOT of kids there for a band festival and the entire state of Louisiana came over to avoid Mardi Gras this week. I know they were from Louisiana because they all felt the need to wear purple and gold and something that said, "geaux Tigers." I actually saw purple-and-gold-tiger-striped-platform-flip-flops. Now that's a niche market.

I also started my period early and had to buy Crazy Larry's Discount Tampons, which were actually better than my original fear that I would have to use ones shaped like mouse ears.

Anyway, now we're home and two kids have ear infections and bronchitis, one has strep throat, and I'm stuck in the house with grumpy snotty children who think this week is a lot less fun than the last.

They're right.