Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Best Mom Tip #119: Moisturize your feet

Please enjoy an excerpt from my new romance novel, The Throbbing Heart....

I lay in the center of the big bed enjoying the cocoon-like feel of the plush bedding. Jay entered the room and began shedding his clothing as he walked to the bed. He slid under the covers, curving around my back and wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Mmmmmm, you're warm," he said.
Normally I was ice-cold so my warmth both pleased and surprised him.
"I know. That's what happens when I get to bed before you," I teased, knowing he could hear the smile in my voice.
"No, you're really warm. Even your feet." He slid his foot up my leg from my toes to my calf and back down again.
"Well," I smiled again,"I do have on socks."
"Huh." He sounded surprised. I wondered at that for a moment and then it hit me.
"Couldn't you tell I had on socks when you rubbed my feet?"
"Well, you have really scratchy feet. I mean..." He realized his mistake and began to backpedal. "My feet aren't really very sensitive and I was just confused for a minute..."
"You think my feet are so scratchy they feel like I'm wearing socks?!!! You sure blew your chance at getting lucky tonight on that one, buddy."

Stay tuned for more exciting moments of domestic pleasure in future installments of The Throbbing Heart. Also, head to Bath and Body Works for some foot scrub.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Best Mom Tip #118: Ignore the tv

I like the show 30 Rock. Tina Fey is hilarious and I feel a special bond with her character Liz Lemon. When I was 12 I wanted to be a writer for Saturday Night Live. It turns out that I am not that funny nor do I posses the guts to move to New York and try my hand at writing. Instead I just watch a TV show that is a parody of Tina Fey's former job as an SNL writer.

Unfortunately, it is my admiration that also winds up hurting my feelings. I just watched some episodes from previous seasons and a couple of things stuck out:
1--I seem to have the same haircut as Liz in the first season. This wouldn't be so bad except that she is repeatedly made fun of for her personal appearance.
2--Her shoes consistently insult me. I bought some new tennis shoes one time only to have Liz wind up wearing the exact same shoes. I was pleased at first until Jack asked her if they sold Ladies' shoes at the store where she bought them and my joy died a little bit.

Today I told Jay I wanted to buy some converse sneakers. Then we watched an episode where Jack set Liz up on a blind date with a woman. When she asked why he thought she was gay he said it was her shoes. They (her Converse sneakers) were at best "bi-curious."

When Liz got made fun of for food on her clothes, I thought of the cheerio juice on the knee of my white pants. I wear glasses. I also have a problem with junk food. It's not like I need any more voices telling me that I am not glamorous, feminine, or attractive. I mean, I already relate most to Cam on Modern Family. Stupid TV. Be more funny.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Best Mom Tip #117: Choose your partner..

for the Amazing Race!

This is a game my husband (and some of our friends) like to play. It is based on the idea that most married or dating couples on CBS's show The Amazing Race tend to look as though counseling, if not outright divorce, is in their near future. I am not sure if it is even possible for a married couple to attempt to navigate a stressful vacation in a foreign country without at least one of you using the how-do-you-even-manage-to-dress-yourself-in-the-morning voice. And it is all recorded for all time for every one of your friends and relatives to watch and ask you about later.

So Jay and I talk about who we would take with us if not each other. My brother is high on my list. He talks to people easily, is somewhat of an adrenaline junky, and he can run fast. He also speaks Spanish and is really strong.

My friend Cheryl is one of my top contenders because she never gets upset and since we have lived together in the past, we would be able to recognize the "I'm about to lose it" expressions.

My friend Allison and I have different skill sets so while I would be willing to ask anyone anywhere anything, Allison would actually listen to the answer.

For my part, I have a good memory and I will eat anything. During a recent discussion about this topic one of our friends challenged my statement that I would not be grossed out by the food challenges. We were at dinner so I didn't get into specifics, but I said something like "there is no way another country's delicacies could be grosser than my regular life."

This week alone I have scraped actual human excrement with a stick and smeared it onto a card to mail to the pediatrician. I then had to decide how to seal the envelope--licking certainly seemed out. Since I have had to mail poop I have also become very paranoid about where I put my mail--what else is in the mail touching my bills?!! Certainly it shouldn't go on my kitchen counter, right?

Anyway, I never threw up during any of my pregnancies (even while on a sailboat), I have scooped up barf with my bare hands, and I have collected and transported urine (not my own) in a tupperware container to the doctor's office. I also have a good sense of direction.

So if you like to jump off of high things and you want a partner who will cover the gross parts, just let me know. I'm available until I lose my mind and have to return to work.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Best Mom Tip #116: Be thankful for the public school system

I have always loved school. I was good at it as a student and it gave me somewhere to go. I was drawn to it (although somewhat against my will) as an adult. I like the rhythm of holidays and summers and the cadence of final exams.

This may be why I was driven about nuts by my kids on this, the last day of Christmas Vacation. If I were teaching this year I would have returned to work today. Instead I answered the questions "What can we do now?" "Can I watch TV?" and "Can I play with the computer?" forty-seven times each.

I gave the following verbal answers:
  1. Play with one of your toys from Christmas.
  2. Play dress up.
  3. Read a book.
  4. Play with your brother/sister.
  5. I don't care as long as you stop fighting with each other.
  6. I don't care as long as it is not underneath my feet while I take down this Christmas tree.
  7. I don't care but stop using that whining voice.
  8. You can start collecting which toys you want to give to Goodwill since you obviously don't appreciate what you got for Christmas.
  9. You can get down off of the coffee table.
  10. You can put down that breakable ornament and go play upstairs.
I also came up with the following answers that would warrant a call to DFCS:
  1. You can play "everyone hides in their own bed for 3 hours until Daddy comes home."
  2. You can play "try to sneak into the house without using the doors."
  3. You can play "Mommy reverses the locks on the doors to your bedrooms."
and, finally,
4. You can play "shut the hell up."

I did not, of course, say any of those things to my sweet babies. But the thoughts made me laugh while I cleaned up poop and rearranged furniture and talked a 2-year-old into saying night-night to his stocking for 11 months. I take laughs where I can get them.