Showing posts with label cleaning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cleaning. Show all posts

Monday, June 30, 2014

Best Mom Tip #189: Phantom jobs

My little kids always want to help me when I'm cooking or cleaning. Although I appreciate their enthusiasm, they have very chubby little fingers and their motor skills suck.  Thus, they are not very effective workers.

Every mom I know has this same dilemma. You need to sweep, mop, dust, sort laundry, make dinner, clean the toilet, but your toddler or young preschooler is standing directly in your path and possibly undoing your work in an effort to help. My friend Rachel told me recently that every time she tries to sweep, her not-quite 2-year-old manages to walk through the pile of dirt and then plops down on top of it to pick the crumbs off the bottom of his feet. Cute, but not helpful. Also a little gross.

My solutions for stealing a few uninterrupted minutes of housework is to give my kids phantom jobs.  For instance, if people will be at our house in 20 minutes and I need to get the kitchen swept, I give my toddler the kid-sized broom and tell him to sweep the living room. He gets bored after about 5 minutes and I have to find the tiny broom to put it away (could be in the toilet by now), but at least the kitchen floor is clean-ish.

If we are making a meal I give them a plastic knife and a bowl of fruit and tell them to cut it up for the table. I'm talking already cut chunks of watermelon or blueberries or strawberries-soft fruits that don't actually need to be cut and will not harm your kid if she eats it while "cutting." And I don't give them the whole bowl that they rest of us will be eating from because it is going to have kid goo in it by the time she's finished.

I give them Clorox wipes (or a wet paper towel depending on the kid's age and likelihood that the he might try to eat it) and tell them to wipe down all of the window sills. And if they finish that, I send them back in for the baseboards. Wipe down the kitchen chairs, clean all the light switches, wipe off all of the drawer pulls in the kitchen.  Really, you can have them wipe down any surface that you can think of and they feel really helpful. And, hey, I was never going to wipe down the baseboards anyway so that's something that is actually cleaner than before.

The key is to send the adorably eager and totally unhelpful little one into an area that you are not trying to clean right that minute.  Need to vacuum in the living room? Their job is in the den. Need to clean the bathroom? Have them make the beds. Doing the laundry and your little one keeps mixing up the sorted piles? Put him in charge of a pile of his own laundry to distract him from the rest of it. Of course, if your helper is too little to be unsupervised their job will just have to be in a slightly different corner of your own work space.  Not ideal, but really, how long do you think your kid will want nothing more than to be right next to you while you do housework? I mean, I'm bored just typing about it. Take what you can get.

My grand plan doesn't always work. Recently I sent my oldest son to go clean the stairs with some wipes. He is 5 and did a very thorough job. However, I did not check the status of his feet before he set off on his task. He very carefully cleaned each stair--and then stood on that damp,clean step to very carefully clean the one above it. When he was done, the stairs had dozens of big-boy sized muddy footprints all over them. They were actually far dirtier than they were before all of his hard work. Fortunately, the guests for that evening were coming for dinnertime so we just turned off the overhead light and the shadows covered the footprints until I could deal with it the next day.

Which, by the way, is another good way to prep your house for company. Just turn off the lights.

Anyway, you don't want to crush their little spirits and their desire to help. It's endearing, it reflects their willingness to be a part of the family team, and there are real household tasks that they need to learn as they get older. My oldest two kids (the muddy stair incident notwithstanding) are actually very helpful and can accomplish several jobs without my help or even supervision. They may not do it exactly like I would, but they get it done well enough. The little ones get their phantom jobs done feeling useful and if they did manage to clean something I am grateful that there are fewer tiny fingerprints on the windows or kitchen cabinets.

So, give it a whirl.  What could your kid help with that is safe and distracting?

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Best Mom Tip #179: Steal their toys at night

I spend a ridiculous amount of my time cleaning up after other people.  There are diapers and dishes and clothes and toys and school papers and hair elastics and legos and shoes and tiny pieces of paper and crumbs and goo and hand prints and beloved stuffed animals and crayons and books and flash cards and pencils and more goo.   I don't really want to know what the goo is.

I have mentioned that I have felt like I'm drowning in all of the chaos and mess and sense of never being finished.  So I decided to do something, ANYTHING, differently to see if I could change that feeling a bit. I channeled a little bit of John Rosemond and a little bit of my former teacher self and I came up with this idea:
At the end of every day, once the children are in bed, I steal anything left on the floor or out of place.

It all disappears never to be seen again.  So far, it is working like a charm.  My house has been clutter free for a week--so, not a long term experiment, but still a less cluttered week than the other 100 before it.

In reality, the stuff goes into a bin in the back of my closet that is easy for me to access, but not obvious to the kids.  I'm not sure how long I'll keep the stuff in there.  My current options are 1) forever or until my next Goodwill run; 2) until they ask for a particular item and then another week after that; and 3) I'll clean it out once a month and sort the items into Goodwill, keep, or garbage. I'm still working out the kinks and I'll let you know if I come up with anything more concrete.

But here's what's been so great.  The older two kids are actually afraid that something they really love will disappear because they see that things are actually being cleaned up.  So they clean like madmen and make up for their younger siblings.  When the younger ones (really just my obstinate 2-year-old) refuse to help, I just take those toys and now have less to clean in the future.

Before I started the new plan I cleaned out all of the toys in our playroom, set up new storage cubes that are easy for the kids to use, and explained the new system to them all.  Every night I give them fair warning to check the house and I guide them to toys they may have overlooked (but there aren't very many because of their fear of disappearing toys).

The result?  I don't have to pick up before I clean up anymore.  Now if I can just find the source of that goo...


Monday, February 11, 2013

Best Mom Tip #177: Enter the Momlympics

 The Momlympics are just like the Olympics except that instead of elite athletes making you feel inferior because you canNOT run a mile in under 4 minutes, they have moms competing in categories for which only motherhood can prepare you.

Thus far, the Momlympics includes the following events:

Schlepping stuff:  If you have ever used your mouth to carry something like your phone because your hands were filled with a school bag, two sippy cups, a random sock, car keys, your own purse, a water bottle, and a baby, you have been training for this category.  Then you thought, "did I just put my PHONE in my mouth?!! The same phone I set on an elliptical machine at a public gym in case the school calls about one of my kids and that I then let my toddler play with? I am clearly going to die of norovirus."

Clothes Changing:  In a car, in a public restroom stall, in the booth of a restaurant, with a baby that does flips every 2 seconds, with a newborn who cannot control his arms while another child clings to your legs, while you are covered in diet coke AND you're in a rest stop parking lot, when one or more of the participants are covered in vomit, when none of the clean clothes left fit the child who needs new clothes, and when due to unforeseen weather or spontaneous swimming it involves 3+ children and yourself.  This category is going to be pretty competitive this year and is closely related to the next one...

Bodily Function Clean-up:  If you have ever caught spit-up with your hand or been glad that the poop landed on you because at least you don't have to clean the floor, this is your event.  Do you have 14 different boxes of tissues hidden in your home and car?  Do you buy baby wipes to keep in your car even though you no longer have a baby?  Do you know how to get blood out of silk because of that one time you dressed nicely for a date and a kid busted his lip AGAIN while running in socks? It's got to be fast before another kid sees/steps in/tracks through the house whatever it is that needs cleaning up.  And it's gotta involve at least a little bleach.

Finding things:  Where are my shoes? What happened to the 12th rubber disk that my Buzz Lightyear gun shoots?  Where is my blankie?  Where is my paci?  Where is Daddy?  Where did I leave my milk?  Where is my skirt/shirt/pants that I want to wear right now?  Why are these items invisible to everyone in the family except Mommy?  I don't know, but prepare to test your skills while thinking like a kid.

Remembering Things:  Prescriptions dosages, number of kids in their classes, when the doctor appointments are, when the dentist appointments are, which kid has a class party, which kid cannot have anything that has ever looked at a peanut in their lunch, that even though she didn't ask for them your daughter will be disappointed if you don't send in cookies for the class to share on her birthday, and when the baby needs to eat again.  This category will not include remembering your own appointments or birthday because your brain is clearly full of random other crap.

In the interest of full disclosure I am forced to admit that, as of yet, there are no actual Momlympics.  But if there were, I would be a serious contender.  What other events would you like to see?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Best Mom Tip #160: Watch your back

My children are out to get me. And by get me, I mean they are hoping that they will drive me nuts and I will forget my rules about TV watching, how often we eat out, and wearing clothing in public. For some reason, they are highly adverse to wearing normal clothes in public.

I know they are out to get me because their attacks are too coordinated to be considered coincidences. For instance, while I was standing in the shower stall scrubbing the walls with a bucket of bleach at my feet I heard Griffin yell, "Mommy, is it OK if I umfmmssgrmd? OK, Tanks!"

You'll notice that the key part of that question was completely unintelligible. As though it were asked into a pillow cushion while facing a wall. He knows I can't come out. He's already been on several recon missions to ascertain just how committed to cleaning the shower I really am. He's looked at the fact that I've changed clothes and am wearing rubber gloves and he's decided, "yep, this is as free as it gets. Time to practice my skydiving technique off of Mommy's bed." He yells "parachuting!" while he jumps.

When my mother called and I was distracted by the ringing phone Griffin pulled all of the cushions off the sofa to make a fort. While I was looking at the fort and listening to my mother explain that even though she had been put to sleep at the dentist she was totally o.k. to both drive and talk and that she felt "mellow", Charlotte took cups of milk without lids to the play room for snack time.

When I hung up the phone Harry stole it and headed for the stairs while I tried to unload the dishwasher. When I caught up to Harry I realized he needed a diaper and by the time I made it to the play room after changing him, Griffin had spilled his milk all over his shirt.

While I got Griffin cleaned up (making his shirt the one dirty item of clothing in the house), Harry found the not-quite-empty milk cup and dumped it on the carpet. While I cleaned that up, Harry grabbed my computer and tried to start his own blog.

While I tried to retrieve my computer, Charlotte began to ask me what we were having for dinner and could we please eat out, or in front of the TV, or something fun? She also threw a stuffed animal at Harry and claimed she was just trying to put it on the stairs for later.

Then (and I could end every story with this statement) Griffin climbed on Harry's head.

My only defense is to try to keep them in my sights at all times. Or perhaps get a Sister Wife. Except that she would probably have her own kids and I really don't want to watch them, so I guess I'm just going to have to learn how to see around corners, give up sleep, and only use the restroom after 7:30pm. Wish me luck.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Best Mom Tip #152: Check the dryer for bees

We recently went on vacation and it was fun. Then we came home and I had to do laundry and that was not fun.

As I pulled the first load out of the dryer, I found a bumble bee. A very dead, crispy bumble bee. It was all black and crunchy, but still fully in bumble bee form. Why was there a bee in my dryer? We'd been gone for over a week. Did it come home in our clothes? Did one of my children think that it would be a good idea to keep a dead bee?

Or, and this is what I really suspect, are bees trying to squat in my home? I picture little bee real estate agents giving tours of our house and saying things like, "now this next one doesn't meet your desire for a honey comb, BUT it has ready access to a heated pool, the location is great, and you'll save a fortune on heating!"

Imagine their little bee horror when wet clothing landed on their home, the earthquake known as the "big one" started, and then the heat. Oh, the horrific heat. They knew the Lord would never FLOOD the earth again, but he didn't say he wouldn't burn everything to a crisp.

Were there bee prayers? Dryer-wide vigils, inadvisable last minute relationships, or just one last wild party?

Or did the bee just go, "Dammit, I will never listen to my mother's directions again."

I also found raisins in the washing machine, but that I could trace back to the raisins we had for snack and the children learning to be responsible and putting their own clothing in themselves.

Before I had children, I never found anything in my laundry but clothes. And the occasional movie ticket stub. Man, I miss finding movie ticket stubs after the fact. They are MUCH better than blackened bees in the lint trap.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Best Mom Tip #148: Sing happy birthday anyway

The President and I share a birthday.

His 50th is front page news for some reason. My 35th is mostly remarked upon by my mother and Facebook. (BTW, thanks for the Facebook wishes, guys.) It's not that I don't feel lucky and loved in my life, but I do start to feel like I may not actually be "special."

You know how when we were little kids and our elementary school counselors told us things like, "you are all unique" and "everyone is special." Never mind that those are blatantly untrue statements that grossly misrepresent the definitions of both unique and special. It seemed like a nice thing to say and I always thought I was pretty special, if I did say so myself.

It turns out that, again based on my information from Facebook, I am not. A lot of us seem to be living quite similar lives. We are parents and spouses and employees. Some are divorced, some stay home with their kids. But pretty much, we are all just living our relatively quiet lives.

I somehow do not think that I will be running the nation in 15 years. Nor do I think that in 3 years I will be gracing the cover of a magazine like 38-year-old Heidi Klum is on the cover of this month's Marie Claire.

I get Marie Claire because in a bizarre twist of irony, I am rewarded for consistent recycling by earning random magazine subscriptions. I also get O.

The Heidi Klum article points out that she gets her great shape by "chasing her kids around" and strength training. I am so tired of celebrities who say they are in shape because they chase their kids. Where are their kids going and are they hopped up on drugs that they are so difficult to catch that it burns calories? They also say horseback riding a lot, but doesn't that seem like more of a workout for the horse?

Anyway, I guess I feel old. I am middle-aged. I am not going to be the president or on the cover of a magazine. Although why I am so annoyed by a German supermodel, I do not know. I blame Project Runway and an affinity for Michael J. Fox in Spin City.

My kids, and this is where they really come in handy, are ecstatic that it is my birthday. They have been "decorating." Which I will have to clean up tomorrow, but still. They got out party hats from Harry's birthday and wore them to breakfast. They are thrilled that there will be cake tonight with dinner.

I may not be happy about getting older, but we're singing happy birthday anyway.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Best Mom Tip #147: Read this in New Hampshire

You know how you're supposed to leave questions blank on the SAT if you don't know the answer? Yeah, I couldn't do that. I filled in a bubble on every line no matter what.

It drives me nuts when Jay leaves open the kitchen cabinets because there is now a gaping hole.

In my music appreciation class in college our professor told us a legend about, ummmm.... let's say... Mozart, and how his mom/paramour/whatever woke him up with an unfinished cadence. Like playing "shave-and-a-haircut" but leaving off the "two-bits." Mozart (or whoever this is about) would have to get out of bed just to play the last couple of notes. Obviously I don't remember any other details about this legend except that that would drive me nuts, too.

I have a problem with unfinished things.

Well, unfinished irrelevant things, at least. Pile of laundry on the bed/chair/pool table--no problem. Half of the dishes unloaded from the dishwasher--that's how it's supposed to look.

But putting down a book in the middle of a chapter? Beginning a pattern of anything and not being able to complete it? These things drive me absolutely nuts to the point that I will give up sleep and forgo dessert to take care of them.

So what does that have to do with New Hampshire? Just this: Blogger lets you see a map overlay of where in the world people have seen your blog. Although people in over 100 countries have accidentally found their way here, no one in New Hampshire ever has.

It's the only state not represented. It drives me crazy that the whole map is green...except for New Hampshire. I don't even know what Blogger is tracking when it tells me this and it still annoys me. For all I know New Hampshire doesn't have it's own system and any views from there show up as Vermont. They are really close together. And seem to be hugging.

But, really, no one? Ever? I mean, I have readers in India (what's up New Delhi?!!). And Iran. And once, someone in the Sudan stumbled here. How is it that no one in New Hampshire has ever wanted to buy their mom a "you're the best mom" t-shirt and clicked on my blog by mistake? Go ahead, google "best mom." You'll see what I mean.

So, help out a neurotic and obsessive person. Get someone in New Hampshire to read this so I can move on with my life.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Best Mom Tip #140: Cover everything in Lysol

You know what's disgusting? Children.

You know what's disgusting by association? My entire life.

I just scrubbed pee off of the bathroom wall. How my 2-year-old managed to get it higher than the height of his head is quite impressive and I'm sure that gift will win him bets in his teen years. But I don't ever want to know about that.

I don't want to know when other people are constipated.

I don't want to have bloody slobber wiped all over my shoulder because my baby son busted his lip while crawling too fast on the linoleum.

On some days, I manage to forget how gross my life is--I clean things up quickly and work the nasty (and I don't mean the funny/slutty kind) into the sweet and cuddly and it all seems worth it.

On other days, like today, I am so grossed out by my offspring that I am seriously considering going back to work (as a public high school teacher, mind you) just so I will be around cleaner people. That is sad.

I will never be able to touch that bathroom again until after I've coated the entire thing in Lysol. Thus far, I have scrubbed the toilet, the floor, and the bathtub. I've cleaned the sink and the walls. The walls, for pete's sake. I'm glad I had the foresight to use washable paint in there.

I find it disheartening to realize that the only time I will not have to deal with others' disgusting messes are the few years between when they all move out and before they start having their own children. That is at least 17 years from now, so I won't be holding my breath.

Speaking of holding my breath, what is that smell? Ohhhh, it's one of my children. How surprising. Gotta go change a diaper.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Best Mom Tip #139: Repeat what SHE said

Have you ever seen The Office? Of course you have. You don't live under a rock, for heaven's sake. Then you've also seen Michael Scott say, "that's what she said." It's an adolescent sexual innuendo joke that Jay and I use. A lot. I mean a lot, a lot. Here are some examples:

Me: (talking about potty training) It's disgusting and it's so hard.
Jay: That's what she said.

Me: (after a kid threw a towel on me) Why is there a towel on my head?
Jay: That's what she said.
Me: Wait, what? Why would she say that?

Jay: (talking about work) I'm just so tired of this every day.
Me: That's what she said.

Me: (searching through our unfolded laundry) I can't find any underwear!
Jay: That's what she said.

Jay: (commenting on how long it takes to leave the house with all of our kids) It just takes forever.
Me: That's what she said.

Jay: (trying to organize the garage) I can't figure out where to put everything.
Me: That's what she said.

Me: (washing dishes with our broken faucet that sprays water at my stomach) Why do I keep getting wet?!
Jay: That's what she said.

In our world SHE has a pretty bumbling sex life that is confused, chaotic, and possibly involves bondage (what with that towel on her head and all).

But it makes us laugh and giggle and puts our minds in the gutter instead of on our tree-lined suburban street (complete with HOA covenants and reminders to cut our grass).

Throwing in a naughty joke or two draws out the playful side of our relationship in the midst of the nagging problems of parenthood and home ownership. It all comes down to this: Do whatever it takes to make it last...

That's what she said.


Monday, March 14, 2011

Best Mom Tip #125: Naked laundry. Yep, naked.

You know how you're NEVER done washing clothes? I run 7 loads of laundry every Thursday and another 7 when I wash all the bedding. I also have to do touch-up runs during the week when Little Princess needs a particular dress or when my baby has barfed on most of his clothes in one week.

It is just demoralizing to get all of that Thursday laundry finished and have all the hampers empty, just to have to put your own nasty cleaning clothes back in one. Hence, naked laundry.

For one brief, shining moment, ALL of the laundry is done. You have NO dirty clothes. Yes, the rest of your family is somewhere wearing clothes, but if you play your cards right you won't have to see it. The trick is to plan your last load to be finished while it is still school/work/nap time for everyone else.

This may take some planning. You may have to begin washing the night before. You might even have to work up to it over a couple of days.

Ah, but when you do...

Now you can dance naked around your washer and dryer in a Lord-of-the-Flies meets Florence Henderson kind of a moment. You might light a small fire atop the dryer.

I suggest singing or playing any of the following songs during your naked laundry victory dance:


That last one may not work for you--my name just happens to be Sally.

Naked laundry is wonderful and freeing and sort of like exercise if you dance long enough.

I do need to warn you that my most recent attempt didn't go exactly as planned. One lone, nude pair of thong underwear did me in. It managed to blend in with the carpet and I didn't find it until I came back into my bedroom naked and ready to dance. If that happens to you, you have two choices:
1. put it back in the drawer and pretend that it's clean or
2. throw it away

I'll let you guess what I did. Let the dance begin.



Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Best Mom Tip #101: Be handy

I like to fix things. I like to figure out what is wrong and solve the puzzle. And I like to learn new handy-man kinds of tasks. This serves me quite well because things break a lot in my world.

Whether I'm just buying cheap crap or whether it's just tough for products to be around my family, I find myself with the vacuum cleaner turned upside down or trying to wrestle the power drill from my son on a regular basis.

Yesterday I had to refit the belt that makes the brush roller on my vacuum cleaner spin. The instructions said to loop the belt around the motor shaft and then "slip the belt over the portion of the roller with no brushes."
It should have said, "attempt to force a 1/2 in thick piece of rubber around a tiny metal thing while a two year old sits on your head."

I feel that would be a more accurate reflection of what vacuum repair looks like. I did get the upstairs vacuumed, which is quite a feat in my world. Good thing I like fixing stuff or we'd never get to use our tools and minor appliances.