Stuff I Didn't Instagram in 2015

My blog and I have been in a fight. We haven't been on speaking terms and it's a little bit hard to explain why. The easiest reason is that I just haven't felt like talking, but that's not really an answer. A better explanation would be to say that I have been oddly melancholy. Not sad or broken or in pain, but blah. And blah does not want to write. I miss her (my blog), though. We think about things together and she helps me organize my thoughts. She also becomes a set of talking points with my actual friends in the actual world in between yelling at children and folding laundry.

So I decided to mend the fences and return to this old friend by writing about some of the things I didn't bother to talk about while they were actually happening. Here are 5 things I didn't share on social media in 2015:

Travel Fails
As part of our desire to live "more closely" we made a pact to visit all 50 states as a family over the next 2-3 years. We wanted to show our children adventure, the beauty of our country, and that Jay and I are not always completely in control of what happens in life. We have been to 31 states so far and it looked like this:

Beach in Los Angeles

And this:

My 7-year-old Contemplating the Grand Canyon

And this:

Grand Prismatic Spring in Yellowstone National Park

Clearly these would be the kind of pictures that I DID share on Instagram. But right after that shot at the beach we got on a plane for Atlanta. Which meant I had to wash off sandy children. Which meant that there was a moment when I shared an outdoor public beach shower with a naked three-year-old and a Russian man. And then I put wet, sandy clothes into a plastic bag to carry onto an airplane. Well played, Sally.

That day at the Grand Canyon was pretty amazing. I saw it for the first time with my babies and it was beautiful. But that picture was taken in the brief few moments that weren't pouring rain or covered in fog. Fog settled so deep into the canyon that the canyon itself ceased to exist. That fog stayed there for the rest of our time we had inside the park. I still had a good time, but it wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

The last picture is of Yellowstone and I would go back there in a heartbeat. It is as amazing as you've ever heard. It is also where one of my children caught an unfortunate stomach bug from one of the other children. The end result was that I spent a good three quarters of an hour cleaning both vomit and diarrhea out of a car seat in the parking lot of some fascinating geothermal features. The upside was that the horrible sulphur smell made the horrible car smell a lot less noticeable.

There are so many more trip stories that didn't go as we planned; kid meltdown in the airport security line of the world's busiest airport...getting kicked out of Independence Hall in Philadelphia... our first attempt to see Mount Rushmore that resulted in me crying in the car in the dark. I didn't share any of these events because it sounded totally whiny in my head--we have been on several amazing trips this year and I certainly wouldn't trade them.

But I realized, especially through the holiday season when I kept seeing people I don't see very often, that other people seemed to think our trips were easy. They were not. They take effort and lifestyle sacrifice and planning (but not too much planning) and a healthy dose of reality at every turn. When we hadn't even made it to Birmingham, Alabama (about 2 1/2 hours from Atlanta) before a kid lost a pair of underwear in a Starbucks bathroom on our drive to Wyoming, I had some serious doubts.

I wish I had written more about the difficult parts because I'd love for more people to believe that they can take their kids anywhere. There may be poop to clean up, but that's true at home, too.

Homeschooling is Hard
I fully admit that until three or four years ago I thought that anyone who chose an option other than public school was a weirdo. As with all generalized judgments, I began to change my mind when I actually met some people who were making different choices and it broadened my mind. But, seriously, I never EVER thought I'd go down this road for my kids. It has allowed freedom for our family to travel more, certainly a degree of close that we didn't have before, and I have been amazed at the conversations I get to have with my tween kid. BUT.

It's hard.

What I shared about homeschooling did not reveal that.

Adorable 5-year-old Working on that Tricky S

Amazingly Fun/Cold Field Trip to the Etowah Indian Mounds

I shared an occasional pic of domestic adorableness with kids crowded around colorful school work. Or shots of field trip days while other, sadder, children were cooped up in cement block walls. I did not share moments like today, when I yelled so loudly that I kind-of hurt my voice. Also, I put a kid on the back porch to calm down and HE screamed so loudly that our elderly next door neighbor was on my back porch checking him for injuries when I came to check on him. So I expect DFACS any day now.

I don't even stay home with them every day. The kids attend a nontraditional private school two days a week and then complete their work with me. I don't make up the curriculum, they're not home all the time, and I'm still a horribly yell-y person. I'm confessing this because every mom I've ever told that I homeschool has said, "oh, I couldn't do that. I don't have the patience."  Yeah, well, me neither. But here we are.

My House is Broken (with rats)
Here's what I shared about my house this year:

This Super-Awesome Wallpaper. And I own a Record Player

More Super-Awesome Wallpaper with Snowflakes and a Mirror I Love

What I did not detail was that everything is broken. We have replaced the electricity. And the roof STILL has leaks..the new leak is THROUGH the stove's exhaust fan so now I'm afraid to use that. We replaced a toilet, but it still works funny. Also, the pipes leak..it's too long of a story to explain why. The yard is mostly moss. We hired a guy to replace the counter top that was broken in the kitchen and he disappeared before the job was done. We hadn't paid him or anything, so I have no idea where he went, but it's been months and months and I still haven't dealt with the functioning chaos that is the stupid freaking kitchen.

I didn't mention any of this because it is warm and safe and the roof mostly works. I am very lucky to have these things. But, again, I feel like I gave off the impression that downsizing into an old house has been emotionally freeing when the reality is that I have felt like I had a splinter under my fingernail for a year. It's not debilitating, but it is a constant irritant.

Oh, and there were rats. RATS, I tell you.

I Gained 30 Pounds
I gained 30 pounds and I only posted pictures of myself that didn't make that obvious. I am not going to change that pattern now, but I will admit to it. I have, in the past, shared marathon and half-marathon and triathlon successes, but I didn't at all mention that moving and suddenly having my school-aged children home with me really screwed up my workout plan. I apparently also eat when I am stressed, nervous, or worried and that has been all of 2015.

The friends I have mentioned this to have seemed surprised I've gained that much weight; that either means they're lying so as not to offend my jiggly-stomached self or that I am a terrible dresser who really needs to wear better clothing. Both are strong possibilities.

Anything Actually Sad
O.k., I realize that social media is not exactly the place to deal with deep dark personal problems, but it's why we all feel totally inferior when we see other people's lives through the lenses of Facebook/Instagram/Twitter/Snapchat/FuSizzle. (I made that last one up, but I think it could catch on.) Actual sad things deserve face-to-face conversation and prayer and maybe a casserole.

A man I went to college with committed suicide and for some reason he contacted me a few hours before he did so. Another friend has a child fighting to regain a childhood while dealing with cancer. None of my problems or musings for the last six months have been because of my own deep struggles so I just didn't mention any of my stresses or annoyances. How can I chat away about parenting irritations or travel snafus or my damn kitchen when so many people are in pain so thick they can't breathe? So I didn't say anything.


I don't know what any of this means for my 2016 blog. I miss it and I miss connecting with friends I see out in the world who say "I feel the same way!" and then suddenly this fake community is tangible and real. So for now I'm committing to posting throughout the year and I'll see what that means as I go. I'm also really sorry if my scatter-shot sharing of my life made any of you feel jealous or inferior or randomly annoyed. You're welcome to come over and hang out in my little house and we can chat about life face-to-face and remind each other that our lives are all more alike than not. (I promise we got rid of the rats.)

Thoughts on Wallpaper...because it is vitally important to society

O.k., it is not vitally important to society, but based on the reactions I got when I told people I was going to hang wallpaper in our new house, it is a decorating technique about which people have strong opinions. Most gave off a fascinated, incredulous, faintly disgusted air as though I had just announced I was leaving Jay to marry my cousin. (What's up cousins? I'll let you guys decide which one.) I can only assume that you all, like me, have had one or both of the following run-ins with wallpaper:

1. You have attempted to remove wallpaper stuck directly to drywall using that horrible round scraper thing (that just leaves 8 million tiny holes in your wall), the steamer that makes a soggy mess, and/or the terrible smelling "remover" that seems to have no effect whatsoever...

OR

2. You recall that time in the 70s/early80s that your parents tried to hang wallpaper together in the bathroom and they got into a fight so loud you thought that Daddy might be going to live in a different house and then he kicked your Big Wheel.  For instance.

The wallpaper I used was not like that kind of wallpaper at all. It is called "paste the wall" and you literally paint universal wallpaper paste onto the wall in a strip just a little bit wider than your roll, cut a strip the same length as the height of your wall, and stick it up there.  The paper feels like really high quality wrapping paper or maybe butcher paper so it is easy to handle without tearing, pulling, or bubbling. You also don't have to do any soaking or "booking" like old wallpapers. You can re-position it without it tearing fairly easily. And, although I did not test this, my research said that it actually comes off in one piece which makes it popular with renters in older buildings in Europe. We'll see if that holds up when I get tired of wallpaper.

Cutting a strip to length

 To be honest, I don't really know if this is a common U.S. product yet or not--I fell in love with an Orla Kiely print (Multi-stem Original, if you like it yourself) and I could only buy it from Europe. It was oddly difficult to search for wallpapers online--there are so many choices and so many I hated--and I didn't even know there were different types when I started. I found this Youtube tutorial by these lovely British people who can give you more advice than I could on how to hang it. They mix their paste up from a powder, but here in the U.S. it just comes in a resealable gallon already mixed.

Here are my two cents on how this little project went for me.

Tools:
ladder
paint brush (get a wide one)
paint tray (to pour paste into)
universal wallpaper paste ($20 at Home Depot or Lowe's)
measuring tape
scissors
utility knife
washcloths (wet to wipe off paste on the front of wallpaper, dry to smooth paper down)
plastic straight edge (like a painters' edge--to get paper into corners and around trim)

Making a straight edge

Working around a door frame

This really wasn't all that difficult. I told Jay it was like a cross between painting a room and wrapping an oddly shaped gift. He said, "so something I'd be really bad at." Um,,,yes.

Sun that caused my ladder falling

The hardest part was going up and down the stupid ladder I fell off of a few weeks ago while painting a sun on a ceiling and that I chose to put paper on all four walls of our small foyer. There was a door or doorway on every wall so there were also corners and door frames in almost every strip I hung. I think I hung just two strips that only needed trimming at the top and bottom.

It certainly helped to have a graphic print--the nature of the print itself makes seams harder to see. Also, working quickly made it easier to trim because the paper becomes more malleable (and therefore harder to cut in a straight line) the longer it is on the wall. One last tip, if you do all four walls know that it is not possible to have the pattern line up in that last corner so start in the corner you think is least important so that you will finish there with the mismatched print.

I actually really like it and think it would not be hard for most people, especially if you just wanted to do one accent wall. It is more expensive than paint (like 60-100 dollars a roll expensive) and you probably need one more roll than you think you need to match up your pattern. I ordered mine from www.wallpaperfromthe70s.com and it shipped from Germany and was at my house in three days. For some reason, the UK was unable to get me their wallpaper.

Final verdict:
Easy to do, low to moderate expense (depending on how much wall you're covering), takes a few hours, and I love the result. Yay wallpaper!

Final Product

Best Mom Tip #187: Make Something New

I sometimes get lost in my own head. I'm not sure you'd call it depression-I've never seen any professionals and I've never taken any medication for it-but sometimes things just seem pointless. Or overwhelming. Or just too difficult to deal with. That's how I spent most of my January and February and maybe March and clearly, my blog took a hit because of it.

As the daughter of a person who has struggled with mental illness for 35 years, I am hyper-aware of the causes and treatment possibilities and also hyper-resistant to ever walk that path. When I feel myself begin to slip into a dark place I can usually redirect my fears and feelings of defeat by changing something or tackling something new. Sometimes it takes longer than others. And I know that if I ever truly cross the line into clinical depression it will not be something I can just pull myself out of. So, anyway, I am jacked up and loathe to admit it and so I throw myself into projects and refuse to go down the rabbit hole. I can't say that it is my healthiest personality trait, but there you are.

One of the ways I deal with my anxiety is by exercise. I train for things. I make myself hurt. I beat myself against a goal until I don't feel so down about myself anymore. But I also make things. Little things, big things. Things that use a miter saw and things that use my stenciling skills and things that need a drill.

I'm not sure why I find it so comforting. Maybe it's because I then have something to point to. Some way that I've spent my day or something that I, despite my many flaws, have accomplished. My latest project is these stairs. Last week they were covered in carpet and boring. This week they are blue.

Back in March, when I realized that my seasonal funk was lasting a bit too long and that I was feeling defeated and useless every day, I decided to pursue the possibility of returning to work. I miss teaching (although I also am grateful and enjoy the freedom of staying at home) and I thought that if my mind were busier I might not have to deal with my feelings of inadequacy. I could just fill my thoughts with grading papers and lesson planning.

That route didn't work out for this coming school year in what turned out to be a rather spectacularly unfortunate fashion from my point of view. So I was left with, what? No immediate career path. No sense of accomplishment. No sense of moving forward or upward or victory. Which brings me back to the stairs.

I use projects to propel myself out of the deep moments, but I also use them to celebrate my victory over the darkness in my mind. I use them to declare that I am still here. Still fighting. Still hopeful.

Eventually, finally, I remembered sometime in late April to pray. Really pray without any sort of secret agenda except to be and become a better human being. I prayed for purpose and direction and I am still waiting for answers. But my prayers helped me remember that I am not what I do. I am not even who I love. I am loved by God and my purpose is to share that love with others. How joyful. How hopeful. How uplifting. Just like my stairs. :)

Best Mom Tip #169: Major in something useful

This tip is about 15 years too late for me.  I have a Bachelor's of Business Administration in Economics and a Master's of Education in Social Studies.  It seemed at the time as though these degrees would provide me with a stable income as a teacher and the ability to manage what money I actually earned.  And although those things were true at one point, they aren't worth jack at this moment in my life.

What should I have studied, you ask?  Any of the following fields would have been a better choice:

1. Any thing in the medical field.  I spend $20 every time I can't figure out if a kid has a cold or if death is imminent.  I spent $150 at the ER last Friday because I made the wrong call about Harry's breathing and the pediatrician sent me to the hospital.  A nursing degree may have helped me out there.  Even studying to be a witch doctor would give me some sort of confidence when I'm faced with decisions about what to feed a kid who's been projectile vomiting all over my robe for the last three hours.

2. Building contractor.  One of the things I really didn't consider about stay-at-home motherhood is the fact that I have to make decisions about the never-ending home improvement projects around our money pit of a house.  Our garage doors are bent?  The painters discovered that the chimney is 90% rotten and needs to be replaced?  Our water meter has stopped and we need to pay the difference for the last three months while we didn't notice?  Anyway, if I could use a circular saw with authority and assess water damages accurately, it would make my life a lot easier.

3.  Dietitian/exercise scientist.  I wouldn't make any money at these while staying at home, but I could at least be aware of how many calories are in prepackaged cookie dough rounds BEFORE I eat 12 of them.  And maybe I would have had some sort of defined muscles on the lower half of my body before I had kids.

I suppose that sometime in the future it may again matter that I can name all of the dynasties of China in chronological order.  Or that I can explain the positive and negative qualities of the Julio-Claudian rulers of Rome.  My knowledge of World War One has recently enabled me to predict events on Downton Abbey before they occur, but that's about as useful as it's gotten lately.

Charlotte did ask me if I knew who Harriet Tubman was this week and seemed awfully disappointed when I said yes, so I suppose that annoying my children will have to be my major benefit until I return to work.  Or until I just become a street lecturer sharing my knowledge on downtown corners in the hopes of making a buck.

Best Mom Tip #133: DIY no matter what

Jay and I are going to star in our own reality TV show.

It is called "F#@%' Home Improvement?" The question mark is what really sets it apart from other shows with similar content.

It will involve us beginning projects on a whim without a budget, plan of attack, or any assessment of what we currently have/need. We will always take all three kids to Lowe's/Home Depot so that there is no way that we will be able to make accurate purchases.

We will be sure to still be working on the projects during dinner/bath time so that there is a decent chance that at least one kid will get out of taking a bath and at least some screws/bolts/washers will disappear.

We will always, and this is key, break something else unrelated to the current project while attempting to remove or install new materials.

We will continue to be surprised and annoyed that our builder's grade 20-year-old home does not meet current standards, sizes, and codes. This is why we will never finish a project in one sitting and will always have to return again and again to the home improvement stores. With our kids. Don't forget the kids.

In the end, we will always fall back on caulking and painting to hide that fact that we have no idea what we are doing. We are pretty good at caulking and painting at this point.

Our new show is inspired by our "new" guest bathroom. We have replaced all parts of the toilet (not part of the project since it was bought new last year--we just broke it removing baseboards), installed a new vanity/sink (destroyed the walls), faucet (pipes were different size and length than the old ones), and floor (see baseboard reference above).

If you come by our house please say something nice about the bathroom, but don't look too closely at anything.