Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Best Mom Tip #104: Enjoy the celebrity guest star

I've had several moments over the last week that made me sigh at my current job. And by job I mean 24 hour on-demand concierge for 3 irrational beings.

I sighed when my 2-year-old yelled at me, demanding that I immediately change his dirty diaper, but who refused to sit on the potty 3 minutes earlier when I noticed that a diaper change would be imminent.

I sighed when I woke up to realize that, while the 3-month-old slept for 8 straight hours, I was woken up by the other two kids 4 times during those 8 hours.

I sighed when my husband attended a dinner at my favorite (and very expensive) restaurant with some head honchos from his company while I ate blue pancakes, green eggs, and yellow milk with my kids. We are out of red food coloring.

I sighed when I cut my son's hair with a set of clippers and my daughter pitched a fit because she wanted to have a hair cut at home, too. It did no good to explain that the only time I had ever cut girl hair was the day before 8th grade picture day and thus explains my crooked bangs preserved for all time. I don't think she heard me over her moans about the unfairness of life.

I sighed when I realized that if Sarah Jessica Parker and Jimmy Fallon were the guests on Sesame Street this week, it means that they are talking to me. I'm the grownup that is being thrown a bone by the producers in the hopes that of the 43 hours of children's television on in a given day, I will pick them. It may be the only way I can see people I used to watch before I had children. Back when it was Sonny Bono and John Denver, I didn't really get it.

On the plus side, SJP was waiting for Big on a park bench who turned out to be Big Bird. There was even a Sex and the City theme song fade-out. Jimmy Fallon did a pretty funny Bear Grylls impression while "lost" in Sesame Street. If I have to watch Muppets, at least now I'm getting all the jokes.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Best Mom Tip #103: Get an orthopedist

In order of appearance, the following are all of the orthopedic problems I have had that are directly related to motherhood:

Number 1:
Problem--Wiggly kneecap due to overly elastic joints because of that chemical that loosens joints during pregnancy.
Solution--physical therapy and lots of leg lifts in front of the TV

Number 2:
Problem--Compression fracture in one of my tail bones due to underestimating how much I weighed while trying to sit down at 8 months pregnant.
Solution--horrible shots to my tail bones to stop the pain. It involved a nurse telling me "I'm just going to put this washcloth here in your bottom."

Number 3:
Problem--pelvic pain due to bone spurs caused by pressure on my pelvic bones while pregnant.
Solution--letting the pain "burn out over 6 months or so after birth." Also, not wearing any of my beautiful high heels because they exacerbate the pain

Number 4:
Problem--horribly bruised/possibly fractured foot from stepping on a back stroller wheel while attempting to jog to the bus stop to meet my eldest kid
Solution--don't know yet, but it still hurts 3 weeks later so I'm going to the doctor again

Number 5:
Problem--horribly bruised/possibly broken toe due to 2-year-old pushing over a bar stool onto my foot
Solution--probably nothing, but since I already made that appointment for number 4, I figured I ask about the toe, too

Parenthood is literally bad for my health.