Best Mom Tip #17: Dull your sense of smell

Motherhood brings with it a wide variety of new and interesting smells that are sometimes difficult to deal with. When your kids are babies you have the poop/spit-up/baby shampoo combination that could tax even the most sturdy of noses. As your kids become school-age you get the barf/fruit snack/lice shampoo trifecta. In middle and high school your kids (especially boys) begin to fluctuate between actually stinking of BO and smelling like a ridiculous amount cologne.

These are not the smells of the world of non-parents. My life used to smell like coffee shops and book stores. Movie popcorn and Sno Caps on a Friday night for dinner. Chinese takeout when there was no food in the fridge. Any barf or BO belonged to me and therefore, wasn't nearly as gross. I never barfed in the car, spilled milk without cleaning it up or telling anyone, or refused to admit that I might need a bath.

Generally, if I smelled bad, it was because I had been doing something productive like training for a marathon. Now if something smells bad around me, someone is probably sick. I would love to just pawn off all of the smelly things my kids require on someone else, but I don't think there are any takers. Since I have to deal with the stinkiness because my kids need me to do so, I have decided to try to kill my sense of smell. According to my online research (Health A to Z:Smelling Disorders), I have a few options:

1. Take up smoking.
   
2. Eat a lot of paint chips.
   
3. Enter a nuclear facility without hazmat gear.
   
4. Roll around in insecticides for a really long time.

Most of these actions would require me to get a baby-sitter. Smoking is really just too expensive in this economy. I guess I could try to eat old lead paint after I put the kids to bed. I'll let you know if I come up with an option that seems reasonable.

In the meantime, we "Best Moms" have to snuggle a kid who smells like barf from time to time. We have to use strange-smelling medicines and bath products to keep them clean and healthy. We have to change their diapers, get used to spit-up, and do all of this without throwing up our own lunches even when our children have just gotten rid of theirs. It's a smelly job, but somebody has got to do it.

Best Mom Tip #16: Go to Wal-mart on a Friday night

I have to give credit for this one to my friend Dave, who has three beautiful children of his own. When I was pregnant with my oldest, Dave told me that when I was feeling bad about my abilities as a parent I needed to take the kids and head to Wal-Mart on a Friday night. I wasn't really sure what Dave meant back then, but in the last few years, as I have become more and more ensconced in the role of Mom, I have come to understand exactly why this is such a boost to my ego.

First of all, if you haven't actually been to a Target or Wal-Mart or other similar store on a weekend night, you have no idea how many people will actually be there. The place is packed. Getting a parking place is like parking at the mall on December 23rd. There will be a wide variety of families wandering the through the sea of cars and abandoned carts. Every now and then a kid will dart out in front of your car, causing you to slam on your brakes. This will be the first thing that makes you feel better about yourself--I may have yelled at little Jimmy today, but I didn't let him play in traffic.

Once you get into the store you will see most, if not all, of the following:

1. A child who, every time his mother looks away, tries to tip over the cart with his sister in it
2. That same mother who will never notice what the kid is doing because she is checking out all the boxed wine on sale
3. A series of children who are dressed in wildly inappropriate ways for their ages--3-year-olds in belly shirts; high heels and shorts on a 7-year-old
4. At least one kid ordering his or her "regular" at that weird food court thing near the door where they sell old hot dogs, pizzas, and slurpees. This will usually be close to 10pm and will count as that kid's dinner.
5. A pre-teen boy asking a lot of really pointed questions of the 18-year-old clerk at the gun counter
6. Someone yelling at their kid in a language you have actually NEVER heard--even while watching the UN in session on C-SPAN8
7. A kid eating candy that he may have stolen, or may have just found open on a shelf
8. If it is summer, there will be a very large pregnant woman buying a very small bikini while wearing short shorts and a tank top--this isn't actually parenting related, but her other kids are probably embarrassed
9. A kid on a leash
10. A 12-year-old who has been put in charge of her 3 younger siblings while they all run around yelling
    

After about 20 minutes, you will be renewed as a parent. You may not have it all together, but you're doing o.k. Grab some Sam's Cola and head on home.