Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Best Mom Tip #26: Put SEX on the schedule

Yeah, that's right. I said "sex." Hee hee. Sex. Sorry... after teaching high school for several years, I can' t help myself. Now I can move on.

The reality of becoming a parent is that no matter what kind of sex life you had before children, it will certainly be different after the little darlings arrive. Even if you're the kind of person who can offer the name of a good bedroom trapeze company or who can quote stripper pole prices off the top of your head, you're going to have some issues getting your acrobatics going if there is a baby in your bed. Or if you've been up every 23 minutes for the last eight days. Or if you went to bed covered in spit-up because you couldn't bring yourself to bathe. You get the point.

The solution? Put sex on your calendar. I don't mean literally... there is a limit to the amount of information that should be readily available to everyone who enters your kitchen. But make an effort to actually plan to make a little whoopie. Couples make budgets and grocery lists and packing lists--why not schedule a little bonding time for the two of you?

There are generally two different categories of responses to this suggestion and you can find out which one you fall into by answering this question: Which is more important to your overall well-being--having enough Tide in your laundry room or having enough lovin' in your life?

If you answered Tide, you REALLY need to put sex on your calendar. You probably lie awake at night thinking of all the things you didn't get finished today and wondering how you will get them all done tomorrow. For you, sex might actually be the LAST thing on your mind when you crawl into bed. You need to plan for it in order to get in the mood. That might seem unromantic, but you're the one who said you'd rather have laundry detergent than sex so you may not be the best judge of romance anyway.

If you answered lovin' and you can't imagine that anyone would care about laundry over sex, you probably think this seems like a boring idea. Sex should be spontaneous and a response to how much you want your partner--this is true, but it's hard for a lot of people to overcome the pressures of their day and transition into a more romantic state of mind. Knowing that you're going to have sex can actually make you feel more romantic. It's a happy cycle--kind of like when you drink more water you find yourself craving water more often throughout the day. When you plan for more sex, you want to have sex more often. Good, right?

To be clear, I don't mean making every Thursday "Happy Night" or whaterver you want to call it. I mean intentionally sitting down with your calendar for the week and figuring out which two or three days work for you. If you can't wait for the season premiere of LOST and The Others aren't what gets you in the mood, maybe you don't plan sex for that night. But, really, you have TIVO, don't you? And decide what time you'll be getting busy, too. That way you can't stay up too late and then be too tired to do what you planned to do earlier in the week.

I've talked to every woman I know about their sex lives at some point--apparently I know a lot of really free people--and every one of them has talked about the challenges of rekindling the romance after having children. This idea can work--even if you only do it for a week or two. What have you got to lose? Even if your DVR doesn't work and you don't find out if Jack returns to the island, you can probably live without knowing. But you can't live happily without making love to your spouse.


  1. Yeah, I clicked on "stripper pole prices" and couldn't find them.

  2. I'm SOOOO sorry. Try it now. My favorite one was www.poledanzer.com.